This one is for me today... because you might have had similar thoughts and it might help you to know that others do too and you're not alone...
Heavy heart...hands are tied...feeling helpless...
Praying non-stop...Seeking wisdom...Need direction...because I just have to do something... anything to help... because as a mom it kills to be sit back and watch...
When you become a parent it changes your life. (Or at least it did for me). It changed my whole perspective on my life. Prior to being a mom, I lived totally for that day. No worries of dying. Carefree and no hope of a future. No thought of growing old (honestly figured I'd die young and I was okay with that). But when you have a baby... you put them first. And suddenly you want to live to see them grow up and have their own babies. Everything you do, every decision you make is made with the thought of what's best for them. You want to make your babies' world perfect. I don't know if I went over board in that area because I didn't like how my childhood was and I wanted to make my children's as close to "perfect" as possible. Loving them unconditionally everyday. Smothering them in love, hugs and kisses. Always there for them, to show them that they are not alone and that they are important to me. Teaching them about life... wrongs and rights... goods and bads...
But there comes a point when it doesn't matter how much you love your baby... it doesn't matter that you would give anything to make their life, their world "perfect", because life happens...
Just as life happens in your own life, of course it happens in your child's life as well. And that...life happening..is the hardest part of being a parent. Even if 'life happening' is because of decisions that you made, or they made... there are things in life that we have no control.
Yes, I could have said "No, you can't play", (actually I DID say that on many occasions and for many years!)...if only I'd held out...
People put their trust in Doctors thinking that they went to school, they know... that's wrong. Just because they went to school... they don't know all. They aren't God. Always go with your gut. God gave us our instincts for a reason.
It's hard to go with your instinct all the time when you have a child with a dream, a talent and a passion that is thinking and living like all kids live (thinking they are invinsible!) So, you are persuaded to go against that instinct that is telling you "he could get hurt", "he's already had a concussion, don't let him go out again"... so, you do what any parent would do. You go to the Dr... the specialists that "know"... and they run tests and decide that 'it looks good'... he's free to play. So, against your better judgement because you want your child to be happy, and he has such a passion for the sport and is so talented you tell him that since the Dr... the specialist says you're okay to play... you let your son play because as a parent you want to make your child's world happy.
Football made him happy. He played with more passion than I could ever comprehend. But I didn't need to understand it fully, just to respect it and allow him to play with my love and support. Going to every game to cheer him on. To be there to soak in his victories and to console in his losses...
I didn't know... I didn't research concussions enough. I read on them when he suffered from his first one, and from his second one... the information just isn't out there... they just don't tell you... because the truth is... they don't know.
As I have since discovered. They should come forth with more information that they DO know! But... they haven't.
There is a gap. A huge gap! Between what is readily available about concussions and what they do know and just don't say. It's lack of education, information... it's cost my son BIG.
Despite our technology today, the brain is still widely unknown territory for understanding.
So, my problem that I am faced with as a mom is to help my son whom now suffers from Post Concussion Syndrome... which according to the websites.. "will get better in a matter of weeks or perhaps months"... uh huh... it's been ten months now since my son's last concussion... he's not getting better... perhaps even worse.
Memory issues that Dory can relate to. In the movie it's cute and funny...in real life... it sucks!
Concentration issues that a person with ADD can relate to. (but we can't medicate the healing brain)
Depression (well, duh! who wouldn't; besides the clinal depression the brain is actually trying to heal with all the 'extras' that don't belong in the brain caused by the concussions) and
Headaches... daily headaches... and then as a bonus whenever you try to read, which strains the brain, you get really bad headaches. (fyi.. the brain can not retain any information put into it when it has a headache going on).
So, today... I feel like my hands are tied... I'm praying and worshipping God KNOWING beyond ALL that HE HAS a plan for my son's life! He has spared my son's life on more than one occasion. So, there is no doubt. But walking down this dark tunnel right now wanting to be the mommy that makes it all better, and I can't...
is the hardest part of being parent... your heart breaks for your child because you want to flip a switch and make it all go away. You want to walk through it for them so they don't have to suffer... but you know that they have to walk through it themselves, but never alone. They have to learn to trust in God and to lean on God and seek God themselves... and all we can do as a parent is lead them in the right direction and pray. Pray that they have the desire to follow God with all their hearts. Pray that they don't take a turn down a different road because it may seem easier then hanging on and keeping the faith.
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