I don't want your sympathy... we all have burdens to carry. Some people's loads are pretty heavy and some people seem to get off carrying the bread, it's so light weight compared to the canned goods. Bread is easy to open, cans take a lot of effort sometimes. They say God only gives you what He knows you can handle... WITH His help!
Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
It started 14 years ago now... My three children at the time, 10 1/2, 6 1/2 & 3... all had regular runny nose colds, nothing major. I however, ended up with Meningitis. I wasn't taken to the hospital by my ex (husband) like I should have been. He took (carried literally) me to my doctor, (whom shouldn't be practicing medicine) whom diagnosed me but told him to take me home to bed instead of to the hospital for treatment. I was left in bed for two weeks running a fever, with the absolute worst headache of my life! (and I've had the horrible headaches of dehydration), my whole body hurt horribly bad as well. My back and brain felt like they were going to literally explode. I couldn't move, I was in too much pain and far too weak. I should have said that I truly have a high tolerance of pain. When the meningitis finally went away and after almost 4 weeks of a headache... I was changed... for life... I was left with a strange buzzing noise in my head (not tinnitus... I have that too). Sounds like when one of those fluorescent lights are going out and they buzz really loud. This is like I can actually hear my brain working. It never goes away, it's constant. The meningitis also left me totally different. Suddenly I struggled with being organized (I'm a perfectionist, some people like to use the word anal, but... that seems harsh and why categorize :) I suddenly couldn't remember things, basic everyday things. I went to my doctor some time later, but that doctor (the one that diagnosed me) ignored me and acted as if I was crazy. I never went back to him. He has no respect for women. I should have gone to a new doctor, but I was too busy taking care of my children, ohh... and I did childcare in my home, so I had extras too. Anyway, I struggled with those symptoms for 5 years before I went to the Dr. Though, after an EEG and an MRI of my brain and everything checking out "normal" he striked my symptoms up to being " an executive mom syndrome" I was simply having to do too much with no help from my now ex. I wasn't happy with that diagnosis, as I truly felt there was a lot more to it than that. (I had forgotten, because that's what I do, to tell him that I had had meningitis and that is when the symptoms started, not knowing that the symptoms could be related).
Fast forward to January 2011... My symptoms have progressively gotten worse... I've noticed during times of extreme stress and lack of sleep I struggled to just remember what I needed to do that day. My mail stacked up for weeks, bills went unpaid... I'd just forget, or couldn't stay focused long enough to do the paper shuffle. Conversations and remembering what was said was becoming more and more frequent. My children constantly complain I don't listen to them (that makes me so extremely horribly sad... that's what they are going to remember about me and growing up). I did try to listen to them... I just couldn't totally focus and I would miss words they would say. I didn't know why... I just did. I didn't even truly know exactly how much I was missing. Which is frightening to even think about. I can't go there...
So... with my work life getting more and more stressful, impossible sales goals , long 12 hour days away from home. My memory, driving not only me crazy, but everyone around me. My children, my boss... I was dropping the ball everywhere, which has NEVER been like me. (remember I have always been a perfectionist). At work, I was forgetting to order items for my customers, forgetting what my boss said or needed from me. I was missing turns while driving to customers I'd been to a hundred times. I was showing up at wrong customers even though my computer told me which ones I needed to see. I was physically exhausted. I had no idea why. I'd actually been to numerous Drs over the years to find out why I had the symptoms. They were clueless (I never told any of them I had had meningitis). I had been using Soda and then Red Bull to make it through my days. Red Bull, for some reason, helped my really bad "foggy brain" days a bit better. I could function. So, back to my neurologist. This time with a reminder note in my phone telling me why I am there to see him and what's been going on (I'd actually scheduled to see him several times over the prior year and would show up forgetting why I was there (true story). My Dr ordered an EEG... had it on a Monday morning. I was supposed to get the results two weeks later. They called me Tuesday afternoon telling me the Dr had read my results and it was abnormal and that they had scheduled an MRI for the next morning and I was to come over and see him right after. Talk about scary! I just wanted them to tell me over the phone. Nobody wants to have to wait to hear about "abnormal" test results. I had to tell my boss at this point because missing work was just not allowed.
First words... "Have you ever been hit in the head?... suffered a concussion?" No I answered. He then proceeds to tell me that I have a seizure disorder... that my brain in the short 25 min EEG test literally shut off and turned back on 15 times!!! You do the math... if my brain kept that pace... it shut off and came back on over 800 times a DAY!!! No wonder why you can't remember, your brain shuts off... no wonder why you can't concentrate... your brain shuts off while you're trying to do things. It comes back on a split second later and you've forgotton where you left off. And no wonder why you're exhausted... shutting off and coming back on takes a lot of energy. Your brain is worn out! No wonder why Red Bull helps you... you are stimulating your brain to make it stay awake and function. You've been "self medicating" over the years. I then asked if meningitis could cause this... he replied. "Yes, have you had that? When?" I told him... at least the missing piece of the brain puzzle had been found after almost 13 years!
To be continued...
but remember, God doesn't give you more than you can handle with His help... though there are some days when the load seems like its gotten 100 pounds heavier and you wonder how much longer you can go on. And in those moments... I listen to these songs...
Everything by Life House
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjDojEOiMcE
Word of God speak by Mercy Me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JTY-UKgLlXs
Blessings by Laura Story
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ
Those get me through the hard days... the days where I just want a "normal" brain (that's all perception anyway :)
smiles : )
Jennifer
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