Cross Roads

I don't want your sympathy...

2011-09-19T09:52:00.000-05:00

I don't want your sympathy... we all have burdens to carry. Some people's loads are pretty heavy and some people seem to get off carrying the bread, it's so light weight compared to the canned goods. Bread is easy to open, cans take a lot of effort sometimes. They say God only gives you what He knows you can handle... WITH His help!

Philippians 4:13
I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

2 Corinthians 12:9
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

It started 13 years ago now... My three children at the time, 10 1/2, 6 1/2 & 3... all had regular runny nose colds, nothing major. I however, ended up with Meningitis. I assume viral, but I was never tested. I wasn't taken to the hospital by my ex like I should have been. I was left in bed for two weeks running a fever, with the absolute worst headache of my life! ( and I've had horrible headaches), my whole body hurt horribly bad as well. My back and brain felt like they were going to literally explode. I couldn't move, I was in too much pain and far too weak. When the meningitis finally went away and after almost 4 weeks of a headache... I was changed... for life... I was left with a strange buzzing noise in my head (not tinnitus... I have that too). This is like I can actually hear my brain working. It never goes away, it's constant. The meningitis also left me totally different. Suddenly I struggled with being organized (I'm a perfectionist, some people like to use the word anal, but... that seems harsh and why categorize :) I suddenly couldn't remember things, basic everyday things. I should have gone to the Dr then... did I mention I had three kids? I didn't go. I was too busy taking care of them, ohh... and I did childcare in my home, so I had extras too. Anyway, I struggled with those symptoms for 5 years before I went to the Dr. Though, after an EEG and an MRI of my brain and everything checking out "normal" he striked my symptoms up to being " an executive mom syndrome" I was simply having to do too much with no help from my now ex. I wasn't happy with that diagnosis, as I truly felt there was a lot more to it than that. (I had forgotten, because that's what I do, to tell him that I had had meningitis and that is when the symptoms started, not knowing that the symptoms could be related).

Fast forward to this January 2011... My symptoms have progressively gotten worse... I've noticed during extreme times of stress and lack of sleep I struggled to just remember what I needed to do that day. My mail stacked up for days, bills went unpaid... I'd just forget, or couldn't stay focused long enough to do the paper shuffle. Conversations and remembering what was said was becoming more and more frequent. My children constantly complain I don't listen to them (that makes me so extremely horrible... that's what they are going to remember about me and growing up). I did try to listen to them... I just couldn't totally focus and I would miss words they would say. I didn't know why... I just did. I didn't even truly know exactly how much I was missing. Which is frightening to even think about. I can't go there...

So... with my work life getting more and more stressful, long 12 hour days away from home. My memory driving not only me crazy, but everyone around me. My children, my boss... I was dropping the ball everywhere, which has NEVER been like me. (remember I have always been a perfectionist). At work, I was forgetting to order items for my customers, forgetting what my boss said or needed from me. I was missing turns while driving to customers I'd been to a hundred times. I was showing up at wrong customers even though my computer told me which ones I needed to see. I was physically exhausted. I had no idea why. I'd actually been to numerous Drs over the years to find out why. They were clueless. I had been using Soda and then Red Bull to make it through my days. Red Bull, for some reason, helped my really bad "foggy brain" days a bit better. I could function. My Dr ordered an EEG... had it on a Monday morning. I was supposed to get the results two weeks later. They called me Tuesday afternoon telling me the Dr had read my results and it was abnormal and that they had scheduled an MRI for the next morning and I was to come over and see him right after. Talk about scary! I just wanted them to tell me over the phone. Nobody wants to have to wait to hear about "abnormal" test results. I had to tell my boss at this point because missing work was just not allowed.

First words... "Have you ever been hit in the head?... suffered a concussion?" No I answered. He then proceeds to tell me that I have a seizure disorder... that my brain in the short 25 min EEG test literally shut off and turned back on 15 times!!! You do the math... if my brain kept that pace... it shut off and came back on over 800 times a DAY!!! No wonder why you can't remember, your brain shuts off... no wonder why you can't concentrate... your brain shuts off while you're trying to do things. It comes back on a split second later and you've forgotton where you left off. And no wonder why you're exhausted... shutting off and coming back on takes a lot of energy. Your brain is worn out! No wonder why Red Bull helps you... you are stimulating your brain to make it stay awake and function. You've been "self medicating" over the years. I then asked if meningitis could cause this... he replied. "Yes, have you had that? When?" I told him... at least the missing piece of the brain puzzle had been found after almost 13 years!

To be continued...
but remember, God doesn't give you more than you can handle with His help... though there are some days when the load seems like its gotten 100 pounds heavier and you wonder how much longer you can go on. And in those moments... I listen to these songs...

Everything by Life House
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fjDojEOiMcE

Word of God speak by Mercy Me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JTY-UKgLlXs

Blessings by Laura Story

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ

Those get me through the hard days... the days where I just want a "normal" brain (that's all perception anyway :)

smiles : )
Jennifer

I don't remember that....

2011-03-13T07:46:00.000-05:00

I don't remember that. I don't remember that.... That really happened?!.... How come I don't remember?... When did that happen?... How come I don't remember that?....

How come I'm here? I'm not supposed to be here... I'm supposed to be down the road at another customers...

I don't remember saying that... We really discussed this?...
When?....

I am now wondering just how much of the "small" stuff I have missed in my life the last twelve years. That's a scary thought to put your mind around. You don't ever want to go "there".... To think that you actually may have forgotten conversations you've had. Not just small ones, but important ones. Did you remember you grounded your child and why? Did you remember to open your mail? Do you even know where the mail is? Or is it still in the mailbox? No...

Can't concentrate?... Having a hard time focusing?... Did you forget what you were doing?... Did you forget what you're supposed to be doing?... Is stress making it harder?... Lack of sleep making you feel like you have mono?
Are you just mentally exhausted?...
"So much going on in your life... "You should cut yourself some slack... " After all, "you're doing a great job!". "I don't know HOW you do everything you do! I couldn't.". (words spoken to me by numerous people) You are a single mom of four kids... Also Working full-time outside the house. Add in taking care of your dad and his house, his shopping and bills. Then, he goes into the hospital and you go see him every night after working 10 hour days. It's no wonder you're forgetting things...

Or was it?....

It's true anyone doing all of the juggling I have done would have a challenging time of doing that schedule day in and day out for a couple years. It wasn't easy....

That was just a two year example.

God is my strength. He alone is my source of hope and faith.
Jesus loves me this I know... For the Bible tells me so. Remember that song?
It's not just a song I learned as a kid in Sunday school. I KNOW it in my heart and my head. I have stories to prove it. And now... I have another one...

God is my protector. He watches over me. He keeps me from harm. He keeps me safe from accidents when I didn't even know I needed protection.
My daily continual prayers (or rather conversations with my Father God) that I do everyday throughout the days.
I would usually mention protecting me and keep me safe to get home that night. Just words...? I drive a lot for my job...

God took those words, that prayer seriously even though He heard it everyday. That's because NO prayer no matter how small is too small for God. And when you think about it... That's not really a small prayer. That's huge with the up to 200 miles a day I could log.

God watched over me... He kept me safe... He got me home safe everyday.

My God has a plan for my life. This I know. I have faith and hope for my future even though right now, after my new diagnosis, I'm left confused and wondering... I know God has His hand on my life. He has a plan, He told me again. I will stand strong in my faith that " this too shall pass, or at least get under control with God on my side".

Sent from my iPhone

I'm Back!!

2011-03-07T09:24:00.000-06:00

Life has been a whirlwind since last May when I last wrote to say the least. I will go back and update as time permits. I have a lot to share and say about what I have experienced and learned over the past ten months. God's grace and goodness. Stories about people I know and have met. Life lessons...

Lot's of changes in my life in ten months! Some good, some bad and some are still in an adjustment period honestly trying to figure out "why? and "why now?". But of anything that I DO know and can absolutely count on no matter what in this life, it's that my God IS in control and His hand is on my life and has been (I'll share that story too:)

I hope to find more time to be able to write down all my thoughts that I've been far too busy to do. I'll share the good, the bad and the ugly (yes, there is some ugly unfortunately as that's part of life).

Smiles ;)

Everything...

2010-05-25T09:11:00.003-05:00

The majority of people will seek God only when their world's are falling apart...when they get bad news...when they've lost a love...when nothing is going right in their life...

To truly worship and serve God... you do so when everything is RIGHT in your life. When life is good and bills are paid, your car is running, your job is going well, and you're happy... to choose to worship God and give Him your life at that time in your life.

LOVE this song!... because even when my world is absolutely perfect!... God IS all I want! He is all I truly need... He is my everything!... Having everything go "right" in my life lately hasn't made me neglect worshiping my heavenly Father...on the contrary... I'm giving HIM all the praise for everything that is going right in my life! I'm not going to leave His presense...for that is where I find my peace of spirit. Not in the fact that my life is going smoothly... that's just bonus...because I know that it's God's plan for my life... I can't wait to see what else He has planned!

How could it get any better than this?!....

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?... get in His presence... then ask...

"Everything" by Lifehouse (youtube it:)

Find Me Here
Speak To Me

I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need

You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

It doesn't get any better than being wrapped in your Father's arms resting in His peace of spirit... no matter what is going on in your worldly life... being in His presence is the absolute BEST!...

Whirl wind...

2010-05-23T10:19:00.000-05:00

This has to be extremely short as I'm caught in a whirlwind right now!... I will have MUCH to write about later when time allows...

God is ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!! Which I have ALWAYS known... but... what He's been doing in my life these last three weeks is beyond anything I have ever experienced before!!

I'm so excited and pumped up to see what His plans are for my life because the corner has been turned and the road I thought I was going down, has been changed...

I'm standing firm in my faith that God IS in control of my life and that He has amazing plans for my future!!

NEVER EVER give up! Even when you are at your darkest moments... God IS still there with you... patiently waiting for you to give Him the control over your life that He needs to mold you and make you...

Everything that you walk through in life is a necessary stepping stone to get you to where you need to be in life. God knows and sees the whole big picture... we sometimes can't see the forest because of the trees...

I'm still standing firm in my faith... still waiting to see exactly where my future is leading me, knowing that God IS in control and He's got an amazing adventure planned out for me! I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings! :)

Game of "Sorry"....

2010-05-14T07:21:00.000-05:00

Life is sometimes like the game, "Sorry". Have you ever played the board game? I've played the game since I was a child and my children have their own now.

To be continued... it's my turn to go...

It's raining... it's pouring... the old man is...

2010-05-04T21:12:00.000-05:00

It's raining, it's pouring, the old man is snouring...

Learned that song as a child and sing it to my children today... it's a catchy tune...

It's raining, it's pouring... I'm out dancing and singing... I changed the words some...

it's a great metaphor for life sometimes. When you seem to be having bad luck and have lots of things going wrong... it's definitely feels like it's raining on you and then if that bad luck continues it feels like it's pouring down on you.

In those times of things not going the way you'd like... what do you do? How do you react?

sorry, this has to be discontinued... for it happens to be pouring down on me right now in my personal life... and I need to get to the emergency room it appears.

But, just so you know the answer to my question for me... is: I dance. I praise and worship. I pray and I thank God for being with me during the trials and helping to give me the strength I need to keep on keeping on. Because life isn't about whether or not everything is perfect. Happiness is about whether or not you choose to be happy despite the nonperfect world in which we live. The devil can have his fun and try to stress me out and bring me down... but it's not going to effect the fact that I stand tall and firm in my faith in my God in heaven whom loves me very much and will never leave me. The rain can pour from the sky... I will still dance!

Comfortable...

2010-05-02T16:29:00.000-05:00

Humans like to do what's most comfortable... What's easy... what's known...

Not that there is anything wrong with doing what we know and find to be easy and comfortable... but...

Sometimes in life we are required to do things that are uncomfortable...awkward...unknown and scary even... sometimes in life we have to step outside our comfort zone to brave new worlds in order to grow and mature and become whom we were meant to be. Sometimes we are given a choice in the matter... sometimes we are forced into a change.

Sometimes the door seems to be closing on us before we are able to get out (mentally ready for the change)... those times are the hardest. We, by nature want things easy, comfortable and what we know and when we are put into a position of having to go down a new path in life that is not anything like we had been walking without a choice, without warning... it takes some time to adjust. But... you can't take too much time, OR the door will end up slamming on your toes!

In some respects, I'm not like most people. I like change, for the most part. I should say I adjust easily to most change. I look at life changes as adventures. And just by use of the word adventure to me, means fun! Because how can you go on an adventure and not have fun?! I look at life as an adventure everyday. Some days are more fun than others. Having your best friends to go on adventures in life with makes it so much better. I used to not be able to get together with friends to share life with them because my ex husband wouldn't let me and didn't want to have any friends to have get togethers with. Everytime I would try to have friends over he'd pout like an infant and just be so hard to get along with and then he'd be rude when they were there, that it just wasn't worth the trouble. He'd never watch our children so I could go out with friends.

So... now that I'm single, I can have friends over, I can get together with friends and share my life and their lives. I can be free to be whom I was meant to be. It's so very refreshing!... I will never go back to being with a man that does not want friends and get togethers with friends. For friendship is a gift from God. Why would I want to give back an awesome amazing gift like that?! I have been blessed with some truly amazing friends! I have lost my best friend (ex boy) which was one of those life changes I was talking about. Sometimes those things happen in life... it's sad... it's hard... it takes adjustment... but if I don't let go of that, I may miss out on something better that God has planned for me. So, out of my comfort zone I went a year ago.

It's not been an easy year to tell you the truth. It's hard to learn how to let go of something you have such a tight grip on your heart with. It's been a mental adjustment in thinking you had a future with someone and then discover that it's not going to work out afterall. That adjustment... is not really what I'd call the adventure type. (lol!)... Going out on dates with perfect strangers is an adventure!... Though, again NOT really an adventure I'd like to keep living! Sometimes in life you have to set limits to the amount of 'fun' you can allow yourself to experience!... I've met my limit of that type 'fun' in the dating department for awhile... a long while.
But that's okay... I have some awesome friends to hang out with and share our lives together... you don't always need to have a significant other.

In order to grow... we must be stretched. The potter can't mold the clay without making it look out of shape in the process. The potter doesn't give up at that point. Because he has the image in his head of what he is sculpting and how it will look when it's completed. There are different steps and stages to making a work of art. They don't just happen.

God's our potter... He's working everyday that we allow Him to work in us to mold us and shape us into His own unique work of art. Sometimes that means that we are put into uncomfortable positions in life. Positions that require us to reach deep into the core of our beings and pull from ourselves maturity and self awareness and the desire to want to grow and become truly whom we were meant to be. And in as much as it makes us super uncomfortable and uneasy and scared of what's happening to us and where our lives are going... we have to remain faithful to our God and King, the Master Potter whom is simply trying to make an amazing work of art that He can use for His Kingdom to bring Honor and Glory to Him.

So, mold me and shape oh God for it is you that I am living my life for!

Decisions... decisions...

2010-04-26T21:59:00.000-05:00

Decisions, decisions… why is it that we feel we must make decisions?...

For the obvious reasons there are times and circumstances in which we must decide what to do… where to go… what to be… whom to go with… to do this or do that… to trust or not to trust… to believe or not believe… to go through the yellow light or stop… to get married or not… to take a job or not… to get up in the morning or hit the snooze… what to eat… what to wear… what to watch on tv… what to listen to on the radio… what to read… whom to be friends with… what to share with others and what to keep to yourself… just to name a few of the decisions that we have to make… some are daily decisions, some are weekly, some can be hourly… regardless of when or how often… it’s the decisions you make that make up your life… that choose the life you lead and whom you lead it with. The smallest of decisions on your part can effect your life and what road you choose to go down… some decisions are huge and can seem overwhelming in how to make it, not knowing if the choice you make will be the right one. Other decisions are so minute that they won’t effect your day let alone your life.

Some people have a knack for making good decisions. They seem to have good common sense and they know who they are and what they want out of life and they go after it with everything they have.

Other people get paralyzed just by having to make a small decision that will effect their life and thus… don’t make it and end up honestly going no where… just existing…

How do you make your decisions in life? Do you go by your gut instinct? Do you just pick one and hope it works out for the best? Do you make a pros and cons list to weigh out your best choice? Do you flip a coin? Do you pray? Do you seek God’s desire at all? Do you ask friends for their opinions? Do you research? Everybody has their way of making decisions…some are well thought out and others are kind of careless or carefree depending on how you want to look at it.

For the big decisions that will effect your life and perhaps the lives of your family I hope that you pray about them. I would hope that you would seek God’s desire. Sometimes God’s desire is different from our own desire and that’s when another decision then has to be made.

Do you go with what God would have you do?... or do you do what your desire is and ignore God? Now, that’s a tough one!... It’s never easy to do something we would rather not do. It’s easier to please ourselves… After all, humans are by nature selfish people. We prefer to get what we want and to do things our way and when we have to do something someone else’s way (even if it is God) it’s just not fun. And there are some circumstances where it might just seem like it’s not fair either! And how do you handle that? How do you expect others to handle that? It’s easier to tell other people what they should be doing then it is to take your own advice. It’s easier to see the sin in someone else’s life then it is to look at your own life honestly. How do you handle that? How do you handle someone pointing out your sin when you can see their similar sin so clearly? That’s a hard decision. Do you accept what they are saying about you willingly and appreciative in a way that would allow you to improve yourself and grow? Or do you get defensive with that person for pointing out your sin when it’s so obvious that they are not without sin themselves?

I think that people instinctly react to people in a direct response in the way they are treated. Meaning if the person pointing out your sin is doing so out of love and respect and a desire to help you then your response will be different then if a person is being mean and cruel and pointing fingers at you and condemning you for the sin. Make sense?

God is not the type of God that condemns and points fingers. Which makes me wonder WHY so many people that call themselves Christians think that behavior is okay for them to do to others. It’s absolutely crazy if you think about it for any length of time. God himself doesn’t condemn, but loves us despite our sins. Yet, we humans find it acceptable to condemn?! Just craziness! Pure and simple. Humans thinking they are smarter than God. Hum…

The future is not written yet...

2010-04-23T22:49:00.000-05:00

If you've read my blog over the months then you know that I am in limbo of sorts... not knowing which direction my life is going or supposed to go. It was starting to appear like I might be getting answers for direction, but... recently new developments were revealed and so it appears that we might have gone a step or two forward, but have now gone back to... awaiting another surgery.

So, just when I think I might have somewhat of a clue as to what I am doing with my future... I am again totally and completely in limbo. Not that I was out of limbo before, but I thought I was starting to see the light.

It's okay. Seriously, truly honestly... I've been living in limbo so long I don't know any other way. Living totally and completely with all my faith in God. He has my future in his hands... I'm just along for the ride.

Would you want to know your future? Would you want to know when you will die? Everyone is going to die at some point... that's a fact. But, would you want to know when? Would you want to plan ahead for it? Or prefer to have a surprise? How would you want to spend your last days, months? Do you think knowing when you will die would change how you live your life now? If so, why?

Not knowing the future is a blessing. It gives you something to look forward to. Something to hope for. The element of surprise isn't always bad. It can be fun. Not knowing when you are going to die takes the pressure off of you. The build up, the suspense... no worries.

The future is not written yet... there's still time for change... there's still time to make changes for the better...

I'm glad I don't know my future... I enjoy hoping and dreaming far too much!

Romans 15:13

2010-04-19T22:14:00.000-05:00

Romans 15:13

I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.

To truly be able to completely feel joy and peace in the Holy Spirit is an absolutely amazing gift! It's indescribeable just how exactly it feels. Almost as if your spirit is floating within your physical body. If it were helium you'd surely be flying through the air! If you have never experienced that feeling... oh how I feel sorry for you... because it's the most amazing feeling.
Your world can be literally crashing down around you. All of your enemies can be attacking you. You can be broke, no money to pay the bills. Be given some horrible medical news. Your vehicle could break down. Your siblings could be verbally attacking you for no reason. Your body could be aching with pains. Your children could be stressed out with nothing you can do to help. And the list goes on... but none... Absolutely NONE of that stuff can matter! It's all just... life and it's circumstances... and in the end... it doesn't matter. It may seem perplexing to some of you to think that so much could be 'wrong' in someones' life and yet... they can have such peace of spirit through the Holy Spirit that their life circumstances don't even effect them.
Perplexing?... maybe... or maybe not... to those of you that have experience with the Holy Spirit living in you, it's not that hard to figure out. But to those of you that don't... it may seem like a lie.

It's not. It's the truth, and I know because that's me. I'm living it. Total and complete peace of spirit! Amidst some less than ideal life circumstances. There's actually more to that list... I just didn't name them all.

Life IS truly entirely ALL in how you see it. HOW you choose to view it. It's ALL a matter of perspective.
My perspective is... it could always be worse! Be thankful always for what I have! My glass is ALWAYS full to over flowing!... It just is!... There is NO glass half full. A glass half full to me is someone who isn't truly thankful just simply because they are alive and breathing.
With a grateful heart... your glass is always full.

With the Holy Spirit living in you... total and complete peace of your spirit IS possible...everyday... all day... no matter what life tosses your way.

If you haven't experienced that kind of deep peace... I pray that you will seek God and ask Him to open the eyes of your heart so that you can truly know His goodness. His unconditional love for you.
Because once you have a small grasp as to His love for you, because we as humans can never truly comprehend His love. Our brains just can't wrap themselves around it. But when we have our human understanding...then you can experience the Peace of spirit. Seek God with all your heart... you'll find the peace.

Soap box venting... sorry... had to let it out

2010-04-11T20:02:00.001-05:00

My Daddy would be turning over in his grave if he knew what was going on amidst his children. I've done everything possible to hold true to my Dad's will and taking care of his estate...paying his bills, cleaning out his house and selling it and selling his pickup, doing his taxes and keeping on the attorney to do her part.

I'm as honest as a person comes... don't believe me?... Ask any of my friends. My friends KNOW me. My family...sadly, doesn't know the first thing about me, except that I was the youngest one in the family. They know my name, they may or may not know my middle name. They may or may not know my birthday. They probably could guess that I have four children, may not know their names, definitely do not know my children's birthdates unless they looked it up. They have no idea what I do for a living, nor do they know my heart...

My family not knowing me isn't by any fault of mine... that I know of. I've tried to have relationships with them over the years... hard to have relationships with serpents... some of them are NOT the nicest of people. Some of them are the nicest people you'll meet... I have extremes in the family... probably like most families... or at least most dysfunctional families. And yes, mine IS a VERY dysfunctional family!

Since my Dad's passing... it's been pure hell (to be perfectly honest with you) to be part of that portion of my family. My siblings have put me through pure hell. Accusing me of stealing from my dad to mishandling his money (which by the way, bank statements show all the transactions on an account:), it's absolutely amazing to me to what lengths and imagination they have gone to coming up with the stuff they accuse me of!...
Jesus was crusified for doing nothing wrong... he was done so by the evilest of people...

I'm being crucified for handling my Dad's estate... it's what he wanted... I handled it with the highest honesty and integrity that anyone could do. I honored my Dad by carryung out the task he asked me to do for him to the best of my ability. I did it alone.... NONE of my siblings would take the time to help out. None of my siblings wanted to spend countless hours going through his house, throwing away stuff, hauling to the dumpster, or salvaging stuff and hauling to be donated. NONE of my siblings helped in that very time consuming... and VERY emotional task. NONE of my siblings had to endure the heartache of the emotions of sorting through my daddy's belongings...knowing he would never be back in his house to use them. They never had to enter his empty house after he had passed away... they didn't have to get emotionally prepared to go to his empty house, knowing that he wasn't there... in his rocking chair watching tv like he had been literally hundreds of times before when I'd go visit. THEY didn't have to... they rarely went to visit him before his death... HOW can they say they were close to their Dad, when they rarely came to visit him and they rarely talked on the phone to him?! HOW can they say that?!

HOW can they act like THEY are in pain and mourning the loss of a Dad they never took time to know?! I just want to know HOW they can say that?! I want to know HOW they can act like THEY are so darn honest and supposeably I am not?! WHY?! What makes them so much better than me?! Seriously?! What?

HOW can they put themselves up on such a pedestal?!.... WHAT exactly did I ever do to deserve such false accusations?! I've done NOTHING! All I did... was carry out my Dad's will to the best of my ability with TOTAL honesty and integrity, because... I know NO other way to be. Character...

I'm sorry that their egos got in the way of their brains and they were mad that Dad didn't make them the Executor of the Estate. It was Dad's Estate... his choice. He choose me. Sorry... and by the looks of the behavior from the others... Dad knew exactly WHO he could trust to carry it our honestly. ME!
Because it seems to me that the people that point the finger of dishonesty the loudest are the exact people that would be doing the stealing if given the opportunity. For the stuff that I was accused of I couldn't even fathom in my brain! But... they came up with the ideas which to me tells me they are capable of doing such.

I miss my Daddy so badly. I spoke to him at least once a day for several YEARS and before the twice a day phone calls it was once a day and before that it was at least a three times a week. And when his wife was still alive, I still spoke to my dad at least once a week for my entire adult life! Him and I were close. I know what killed my dad... truth be told... it was the heartache that he suffered from never hearing from his other children....

Some people say that people 'get what they deserve" when they make mistakes and treat people how they shouldn't when there are arguments and disagreements and fall outs... some people think that people shouldn't ever be forgiven for their mistakes. I'm NOT one of those people. I believe that if someone makes a mistake, they just need to sincerely apologize and they should be forgiven. In some cases, that person will never apologize... then you have to decide if you're going to play God or still not forgive them, or if you're going to allow the past to be in the past and move on... knowing that the person that wronged you is your parent (but this goes for everyone)... and nobody is perfect... nobody. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone deserves to be forgiven of their mistakes... for life on this earth is far too short. I know I am not perfect. I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I pray that people that I have ever unintentionally hurt will forgive me. I try to forgive everyone that wrongs me. Being angry and hurt and bitter just isn't who I am. I'm a happy positive soul. I know no other way to be.

I did my best... for my Daddy... I miss him so badly it hurts... still... and it's been over 18 months now...

The grass isn't purple...

2010-04-11T19:14:00.000-05:00

One of the great mysteries of being human is just HOW exactly can some people's view points become so skewed from the truth? HOW can they say the grass is purple for instance when it's obvious it's green? Now, of course I'm being silly when I say that someone thinks the grass is purple... but my point is, is that in that same context as how very far apart purple is from the color green... so too as these people with the distance between what they believe to be the truth is from reality.

HOW?! How do their brains function in it's ability to get so very far from the truth? And... HOW can they honestly convince themselves that what they think is true is true when they just HAVE to KNOW that it isn't! Don't those type people KNOW what's really true, but lie to others and themselves for their own benefits?

And... HOW do they sleep at night? Knowing that they are nothing but lies?... I couldn't do it. My conscious would get to me too much! I'm honest to a fault! I couldn't live with myself in a lie. So, if you want to know the truth... ask me. I can't lie. I'll tell you the grass is green. If you don't like that... then you'll have to not ask.

I guess for some people it's so much easier for them to make up a lie as their 'truth' then to face the fact that they lied... to face the fact that perhaps they did something wrong... and afterall, who wants to own up to their own mistakes? That would require maturity and responsibility and perhaps making apologies.... that would take someone with character... a humble soul, for you can't be arrogant and make apologies...

Sadly some people live their lives walking in purple grass... never looking in the mirror for they know what the reflection would be looking back at them if they did... it wouldn't be pretty... it'd be that of a life of lies and deception, immaturity and arrogance... sins...

It's only too late for apologies,... if you're six feet under... then, it's too late.

Apologizing to God for your sins is one thing, and yes! God WILL forgive you. That's the easy one. But the hard apology is to the person you lied to or about... that's the one that requires you to become humble and acknowledge your lies... Asking that person isn't always easy. Admitting you were wrong... admitting that they might have reacted poorly to you based on how you treated them first... isn't easy.... but, it IS freeing!

It's never too late... the grass isn't purple..

Hearing from God...

2010-04-05T22:07:00.000-05:00

It's been far too many days since I've been on here...sorry... life happens :) So much has transpired in my life since I was on here last (Mar 11th) that I don't even have to time to go into it all tonight. Lots of prayer and seeking God has happened (as usual, but also for specifics). I also got called into work on light duty off workmans' comp which means the beginning of the end has started with that whole situation. If you're reading this and you're confused as to what I'm speaking about, go back and read my old blogs and catch up. Of course you can feel free to email me with any questions anytime as well.

Sometimes we think that God has to whisper in your ear, or even get a megaphone out and yell it in our ears to hear what He has to say (or know that He is talking to you)... but other times... God gives you answers without ever actually hearing from Him directly. Sometimes by knowing what you are supposed to be doing, or if there is a specific situation and by using that as your guide to measure anything else against what God has given you, your answer then becomes easy to know because if He gave you a set goal. Then for instance you wonder if something else is what God would have for you, all you really have to do is go back to the original goal and if that 'something' else doesn't go along with that original goal then... it's like God is talking to you, even though that particular time He didn't whisper in your ear... He relied on you to stay with the original goal He gave you. You measure it up and if it doesn't fit...then it's not from God.

I've gotten some "answers" from God lately which is always nice to get. No, He didn't speak to me directly... but I measured up the goal He has given me with other choices and decided that they were not what God would want for me as they didn't follow His plan.

Sometimes when you do the measuring against something that is really enticing it's hard to be honest and say that it's not what God would have you do. Other times, being able to measure up and not have it be from God is easy because it's not what you really would want to do or go with anyway.

I've had those situations recently... I've had to let go of things I thought I wanted and I've also realized what I wanted is not really what I was looking at. Discernment... measuring up... and being honest with yourself and with God.

Sometimes God's plans change for your life. We have to be willing to accept those changes and know they are for the best. God ALWAYS has your best interest at heart.

When waiting to hear from God and know what direction you are to go with your life; it's very easy to lose your focus and start making up your own ideas...

Being patient and know that God IS in control and that He DOES have a plan and the plan will be perfect in HIS timing is what helps me make it through some days. Those days when I get tired and bored with waiting because I'm like a child in a candy store... I just want to look and touch everything 'cause I'm curious. Sitting around waiting to hear from God and find out what direction I am going in my life isn't my cup of tea so to speak... but I am, non-the-less. still being patient... still listening to MikesChair, and patiently waiting...

but I have some answers... and I'm okay with them. They are for the best! I want to wait for the best and I know that the best of my life is yet to come!

Fear...

2010-03-11T10:25:00.001-06:00

What is FEAR?

the dictionary says:
noun

1.a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
2.a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights.
3.concern or anxiety; solicitude: a fear for someone's safety.
4.reverential awe, esp. toward God.
5.that which causes a feeling of being afraid; that of which a person is afraid: Cancer is a common fear.

Fear can be a good thing... like being fearful of God... being in awe of your Maker is a good thing.

But all too often fear is a bad thing because we tend to allow it to run our lives. To determine our decisions in life... some people will allow fear to overwhelm them so much that they have panic attacks... Thank God I have never had the problem. But I know people that have. It rules their lives and how they live daily. No fun.

I'm not talking about the extreme fear of panic attacks, I'm talking about the fear of living your life "safe"...
to never step outside the box... to never risk anything for fear that it won't work and you'll fail. Like failure would be the worst thing to happen to you. That kind of fear.

Facing your fear is like showing your faith in God. If God is your center and you are living your life for Him and you fully trust God with your life and know that NOTHING is TOO big for your God, then facing your fear of failure becomes so much easier because you know that you are not alone and that God has your back.

I recently had a friend tell me that they think I am a Lion Chaser, because I face my fears and go full speed ahead with life. I have the courage that it takes to do things that a lot of others sit back and think is crazy. Like divorcing the husband and leaving the nice house and the security of his income to become a single mom of four children having to provide for them on my own. I hadn't thought of doing such a move in life as courageous, but... others do. I thought of it as my only option in making my children's lives happier and to set the best example to my children. Staying in that unloving relationship was not an option for my children's sake. And all good parents want to do what's best for their children, so do I. So, I left. Not that I didn't have some fears about providing for my children, but... I never allowed those fears to keep me from doing what I knew I wanted to do. I guess there are people out there that would prefer to take the safe path... and stay. I just know I can't do that. So, if that makes me a Lion Chaser, then... I guess that's what I am. :)

I don't know any other way to live... it's just how God wired me... not to be fearful and my Daddy always told me that I can do anything I put my mind to! My Daddy was a quiet man, he didn't talk about feelings or anything like that... not until his older years... 70 or so. But I always knew my Daddy believed in me because he did tell me that. "A little elbow grease" he'd say and you can do it! "Don't listen to them" he'd say "You can do it". Those few quiet words of believing in me made a world of difference in my life.

I'd be lying if I told you I don't have fears... but I don't let the fears keep me from doing great things in my life. I don't allow the fears to rule my decisions. Because I put my full faith and trust in God...and with my great big God on my side... how can I go wrong?!

I can do whatever I set my mind to doing!...I can because I believe in myself because my Daddy believed in me... and my Heavenly Father believes in me.

Reading the book a friend gave me to read... In the Pit With a Lion on a Snowy Day. It's an interesting book so far. I agree with what the author has to say. I'm on Chapter 4. I'll write more on the book as I go along.
Pick up a copy and read along with me :)

I finished reading the book last week... sorry, didn't take long... an easy read which you should enjoy. I liked what the author had to say and agreed with his thoughts.

God is my refuge...

2010-03-07T09:30:00.001-06:00

Psalm 46

1God is our refuge and strength,
always ready to help in times of trouble.

2 So we will not fear when earthquakes come
and the mountains crumble into the sea.

3 Let the oceans roar and foam.
Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!

4 A river brings joy to the city of our God,
the sacred home of the Most High.

5 God dwells in that city; it cannot be destroyed.
From the very break of day, God will protect it.

6 The nations are in chaos,
and their kingdoms crumble!
God’s voice thunders,
and the earth melts!

7 The Lord of Heaven’s Armies is here among us;
the God of Israel is our fortress.

8 Come, see the glorious works of the Lord:
See how he brings destruction upon the world.

9 He causes wars to end throughout the earth.
He breaks the bow and snaps the spear;
he burns the shields with fire.

10 “Be still, and know that I am God!
I will be honored by every nation.
I will be honored throughout the world.”

11 The Lord of Heaven’s Armies is here among us;
the God of Israel is our fortress.

IF your world seems to be crashing down around you,... if all you can do is sit back and watch as everything you have ever known is taken away... if you feel helpless in being able to control anything in your life...
You need to give it all to God and KNOW that God will protect you, that God will never leave you, God doesn't always intervene and make your world 'right', He allows life to happen, but that doesn't mean He has left you. Have faith in God and KNOW that He's watching over you and standing with you despite how your life may look. God can take the worst of situations and make them to glorify Him.
May you find comfort in knowing this truth.

Writing in the sky...

2010-03-04T21:45:00.000-06:00

An airplane writing in the sky... that would be a great way to hear from God and have no doubts of what you are hearing... God could just answer our questions and point us in the right direction by spelling it out in the sky... life would be simple... no doubts... no questions left unanswered... no acts of faith... no need to trust... because life would be all spelled out without a doubt.... BUT... then,... how fun would that be?! Where would the adventure in life be if all our questions were always answered, having nothing left open to think and contemplate and figure out on our own? BORING!.... We'd be puppets. We wouldn't have minds of our own because we wouldn't need to work on using it to figure out any problems... they'd all be answered.

Now, I'm not saying that there have not been multiple times in my life that I have wanted God to give me the answers, to spell out for me what I am supposed to do, what direction I am supposed to go....but then, that wouldn't show God that I trust Him with my life totally. That wouldn't be any fun...because there is fun, in not knowing what the future holds. Life is an adventure! Having the unknown in front of us is what makes it fun!

Today, I was talking to a good friend about some decisions about my future that I need to make. One of which I had to make today. This decision wasn't a small decision, it was a life altering decision and not just my life, but my children's as well. I literally had one day to make this decision. Take the leap of faith and go with my gut or allow my left brain to step in and cause doubt?... Hum.... I did much prayer and praise and waited for God to give me the peace in my heart with the decision I was making... I took the plunge!... Because life is an adventure! Taking the 'safe' way... isn't me. Taking the adventure route, the life altering route... sign me up! Life is short and without any adventure what's the point?

So, I'd been chatting with my friend a couple times throughout the day and on the final phone call, I am home and look into the clear blue sky to see three airplanes leaving white lines behind them... and I laughed!... God could have written the answer in the sky... but instead... I took a leap of faith and put my trust in God for my future! Life is an adventure afterall!

Nothing is predestined

2010-02-20T23:10:00.000-06:00

Nothing is predestined: The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings. Ralph Blum

Nothing is predestined... Only GOD knows the future... YOUR future... But, since God gives us Free Will to make our own choices in our lives...sometimes what He orginally had planned for our lives may not be the exact way he had planned to go about getting us there, but God works miracles and can make even our worst mistakes in practicing our free will, into glory to Him. God can take our bad decisions, our sins and use them for good. God can put your life back into one piece and back on the track that He had for you when He created you in your mother's womb. God had a plan for your life before He created you. That plan doesn't change...

All you have to do is ask Him to... and believe... have faith that God is in control of your life and He will help show you the way to a life worth living in Him.

Nothing is too big for God to handle. NOTHING.

So, when you find yourself thinking that you've screwed up your life because you made a poor decision, don't worry about it... give it to God...He can fix it. God alone can make your life glorify Him. (just don't forget to thank Him :)

Everybody gets to practice Free Will.... everybody gets to live their lives how they want to live them... we are not God's puppets... He does not control us... To live your life for God is a choice that we make... God doesn't force us... He desires us... He created us to have a relationship with Him...by choice.

Sometimes other people's choice of practicing their Free will with their lives effects your life and what God had planned for your life... it happens... but God can and does still take those choices and make your life to glorify Him... no matter what that other person did to alter His original plans... God still has plans for your life and He will still use you no matter.

May you have faith today in knowing that there are no mistakes or bad choices of Free Will that can keep God from making your life worth living for Him.

God loves you...He wants to have a daily relationship with you...no matter what Free Will choices you make...

Just make sure you make the choice to have a relationship with God in your life. Make sure that the desire of your heart is to be like Jesus... you can't go wrong with that...

How do you live your life?....

2010-02-16T10:01:00.002-06:00

So, I haven't been on here for awhile... I've had a birthday and a surgery since...

This birthday didn't 'effect' me as far as feeling like I'm getting older and any of that mind game drama. It was a day to celebrate that I had been born and that I am still alive! I'm blessed! Any day I wake up alive (which is everyday so far..ha ha ha:) I feel blessed. I was honestly blown away by how many birthday wishes I received on my facebook, emails and texts. I lost count after 150! That made me feel very special that that many people would take the time to wish me well. I feel blessed.

Life is all a matter of perspective.

You can choose to tell yourself that you're getting old and your life is half over and look at the wrinkles starting to form or the grey hair that appeared over night... or you can choose to be thankful that you are alive to actually see those changes happening to your body. Because fact is, if you aren't getting older... you're already dead! I don't want to be 'already dead'. I want to be alive to enjoy life and to see my children grow up and help them find their way in this life on earth. To help them set goals and dream of what their lives could become. I didn't have that. I didn't have someone to help me set goals and to dream of life. My life would have turned out entirely different had I had some direction given to me. Some encouragement would have been nice...

God wants to be that for us, but the truth is unless we allow Him... he gives us free will.

People only know what they are told. When we are born, we are a clean slate. We all start out the same. It's during our day to day lives that our brain retains information and we react to different experiences depending on our personalities and become who we are. It's weird to me to think that there are millions of people in this world that have never been told about Jesus and His love for them in this world. That they are living their lives without any knowledge of Him whatsoever. That's hard to imagine. How can those people go through their daily lives of struggle and problems without knowing that their is a God that created them that loves them and cares about them? Sad to think...

It's one thing to be told about Jesus and Him dying for us and NOT believing. But it's entirely different to have never been given the chance to decide.

You don't know what you've been missing...because you were never told... lots of people living their lives not knowing... that's sad... but I find equally sad, is that so many people live their lives having been told, but live as if they haven't. That's just as much of a horrible tragedy if not worse.

What do you do with the information you've been told in your life? Do you believe it without ever questioning it? Or do you disbelieve it without ever questioning it? Do you research to find the true answer? Or do you just ignore it and act as if you were never told? Do you live your life with any knowledge you've gained? Or do you just simply exist day to day waiting to die?

How do you live your life?...

Have you ever thought about how you are living your life? Have you ever questioned what you're doing and why you are doing it? Have you ever questioned if you should be doing something different? Are you happy doing what you do? Are you happy living in the dark if you are? Or are you happy living in the light? Do you share your light with others? Or do you dare not for fear of what they might say?

How do you want to be remembered when you die? Have you thought about that? Have you thought about what you want to be remembered for? A legacy? Did you impact others with their lives? Did you make a positive change?

Are you living the life that you were created to live? Sharing with others what you've learned to be true? Or even sharing with others your personal mistakes so as to spare them the pain of making those same mistakes? Because good can come from bad?

Just a few things to think about... how are you living your life?...

YOU... are loveable. YOU... are beautiful.

2010-02-07T09:31:00.001-06:00

Jonny Diaz explains it perfectly in his song 'More Beautiful You'. (lyrics below). Our society today brainwashes people from the youngest of age that in order for them to be beautiful, lovable and accepted they have to have a 'perfect' body. Perfect by society standards, which has become grossly unnatural.

Society sets this 'perfect' model image up for both sexes, but predominately for women. From the youngest of age little girls feel like in order to be loved and accepted they have to 'measure up' to the 'perfect' women in magazines, movies, television. I know... it effected me. I was a victim of that pressure to be 'perfect' and that I could never measure up to the 'standard'... never be loved... even the most beautiful women in the world, by society standards, fall prey to the pressure to be 'perfect' and surprisingly do NOT feel they can measure up! Supermodels in the magazines, actresses... ask them all and they will tell you they feel the pressure and don't feel that even they are 'good enough'. It's crazy.

Problem is that society brainwashes boys and men as well thinking that the 'perfect' standard woman they created is also what they are men need to look for. It's a vicious cycle. Boys fall victim as well because they feel like they have to have big muscles and a six pack to rank.

Jonny Diaz 'More Beautiful You'

Little girl fourteen flipping through a magazine
Says she wants to look that way
But her hair isn't straight, her body isn't fake
And she's always felt overweight

Well, little girl fourteen I wish that you could see
That beauty is within your heart
And you were made with such care, your skin, your body and your hair
Are perfect just the way they are

There could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies, disguises and hoops, they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you

Little girl twenty one the things that you've already done
Anything to get ahead
And you say you've got a man but He's got another plan
Only wants what you will do instead

Well, little girl twenty one you never thought that this would come
You starve yourself to play the part
But I can promise you there's a man whose love is true
And He'll treat you like the jewel you are

There could never be a more beautiful you
[ Jonny Diaz Lyrics are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
Don't buy the lies, disguises and hoops, they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you, more beautiful you

So turn around you're not too far
To back away be who you are
To change your path go another way
It's not too late, you can be saved
If you feel depressed with past regrets
The shameful nights hope to forget
Can disappear, they can all be washed away

By the one who's strong, can right your wrongs
Can rid your fears dry, all your tears
And change the way you look at this big world
He will take your dark distorted view
And with His light, He will show you truth
And again you'll see through the eyes of a little girl

That there could never be a more beautiful you
Don't buy the lies, disguises and hoops, they make you jump through
You were made to fill a purpose that only you could do
So there could never be a more beautiful you
There could never be a more beautiful you

REALITY IS:
God made YOU just the way He wanted you...perfect in His eyes! Whether you are a man that's going bald or already bald. Or your eyes are too close together, or too far apart, or you don't have the body type you wish you had... YOU are still lovable and beautiful!

Took me years to be able to fully grasp this, what would seem to be a basic truth to being a child of God. And growing up a Christian and going to church...I never 'learned' that truth. Because despite God telling me I was lovable as His child... society had a megaphone in my ear daily telling me that I wasn't the 'perfect' model standard and therefore unlovable...

I thank God I DID have the voice of my Father in my ear that kept me from being anorexic or bulimic as a teenager, but those days and that temptation was there... had my 'experience' with diet pills and not eating... scared me to death! Do NOT ever want to relive that or have anyone else have to live that. I'm sure my mother doesn't want to either. Four days of being out cold and not being able to feel my body when I did wake was so terrifying.... all because I wanted to be the 'perfect' standard...but I also wanted to have control of my life. Society doesn't take into account the pressures they put on people. Society doesn't care.

YOU alone are worthy to be loved. You are beautiful just the way you are. Imperfect. Blue eyes, green eyes, brown eyes... it doesn't matter... you hair color doesn't matter. Your height or weight does NOT matter. YOU are STILL a child of God, your creator in heaven and He made you as a lovable person.
It's what's in your HEART that matters. What's on the inside... that's what counts.

If you can relate to this and feel like you don't have the society 'perfect' body then I urge you to pray that God would reveal to you who you truly are in Him. That God would reveal to you that He made you perfect by His standards and those standards are the only ones that matter. God loves YOU for you alone. Perfect in your imperfectness... You are beautiful! You are a child of God.

(diet pills story for those wondering) - I was working at Mc D's full time (yes. 40 hrs) and going to school. I was a junior in high school (16 yrs)... I didn't want to be at my house so I worked. In doing so many hours I used diet pills to keep me going (legal 'uppers') because they have caffeine in them... that along with the roughly 6-8 diet cokes I drank a day and not eating much. So, the stage was set. One night I was off work, I was hanging out with friends from McD's that were all older than I. We had all gone to see a movie and I wasn't feeling 'right'. Light headed and in a daze. I didn't tell my friends. After the movie we went to the apartment and they wanted to play the game spoons. We played that if you lost the hand you had to do a slammer of rum and coke. (fill the shot glass with rum and then top off with cola then put your hand over the glass pick it up with the other hand and slam it down on the table hard to make the cola fiz and drink rapidly) Anyway, I told my friends I wasn't feeling good and I wasn't going to play, but... I played... not feeling well, I lost... and had to do a slammer. I only did one slammer that night. After doing the slammer within minutes I was out cold. I woke to my friends panic over the top of me and the bright ceiling light and numb. I couldn't feel my body from my neck down. I couldn't move my arms. I could barely make a word. My friends picked me up and dragged me outside to have the freezing cold air jolt my body... didn't work. I was aware of what was going on but paralyzed and unable to speak. trapped in my body, helpless as my friends tried to figure out what to do with me.
They decided to take me to my older sister's house as they all knew her as she had once worked at that McD's. They wanted to take my car (a manual that no one knew how to drive). They all knew that my mother was not sane and that I would be in HUGE trouble at my house. They loaded me into my car and somehow figured out how to drive my manual transmission to my sister's house only a couple miles down the road.
My sister seeing how out of it I was... did what she had to in order to cover herself... and called my parents... they came over (lived less than a mile from her) and the fireworks started. OMG! I was able to talk a little and feel a little at that point, but not good at all. My dad ended up carrying me to his truck and taking me home where I proceeded to sleep for four days straight. I woke and felt like I had been hit by a mac truck. Freaky to wake up discover you've slept through four days of your life.
My sister filled me in on everything that happened... I didn't remember anything at her house and only the strange sensations of my body were in my memory. Caffeine overdose...
I stopped the Dexatrim diet pills after that...

Do you pray?...everyday?...

2010-02-03T09:38:00.001-06:00

Praying to God should be just like talking to a friend.
Praying doesn't have to be rigid and formal and reciting of verses from memory.
Praying should be sharing your heart with your heavenly Father, your Papa that loves you. Your creator that cares about what is going on in your life. God wants to you to share your heart with Him. He desires to have a daily relationship with you, sharing your life, good and bad. (not just bad...so many people only make time for God when their lives aren't going the way they want...that makes your Father sad).

“Prayer is not asking. It is a longing of the soul. It is daily admission of one's weakness. It is better in prayer to have a heart without words than words without a heart.” Mahatma Gandhi

That is so true. You don't want to only pray, talk to God, always asking for things from Him. You need to have a grateful, thankful heart for everything that God is doing and has already done for you. I wake everyday thanking God for simply loving me in all my mistakes and sins. I go to sleep at night with those same sentiments. I pray, talk, to my Papa constantly throughout my days... I honestly can't imagine not.

God is the one person that you can always count on being there for you no matter how badly you screw up. The Bible says he will not leave you. If you ever have a time in life when you feel like God is not there...it's because you have turned your back on him.
“To be a Christian without prayer is no more possible than to be alive without breathing.”
Martin Luther King, Jr.

I can't imagine not praying throughout my day. Nor can I imagine (or want to) going through this world alone with no one to share it with that truly cares, not someone that says they care but truly they just have their own interests at heart. God's not like that. God truly wants you to be happy, He wants you to enjoy your life here on earth. When you pray to God and give Him all your problems... it is so freeing to not have to be concerned with them, to worry about what's going to happen, because you know that God is in control of your life and He will work everything out for the best. God knows the big picture... we only know the small portion that we can see from our view point today. When you put your trust in God with your life, your problems... you have a peace about your spirit that only He can provide. You have to pray in order to do all that.

"Courage is fear that has said its prayers.” Dorothy Bernard
Amen! With God on your side, you should have all the courage in the world to go about your day and life! You can conquer anything that comes your way in life with God on your side!

Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you.”Saint Augustine

Praying doesn't mean you can sit around and do nothing and expect things to get accomplished. You have to do your part. But praying before you act or react is always wise. Because you should always want to do what God would want you to do first and foremost.

I encourage you to start praying to God, your Papa that loves you dearly and made you who you are, daily, throughout the day...talk to Him like he's your best friend. Share all your thoughts, your hopes and dreams. Share your fears and concerns. And if you pray like that, and you don't feel a change in your life... email me... because I know that talking to your Father that loves you in Heaven and sharing your innermost thoughts daily, WILL have an impact on your life for the better!

May you feel the spirit of His presence as you go about your day, basking in the peace that only He can provide to your soul :)

Sin is sin is sin...

2010-02-02T17:45:00.001-06:00

Divorce is NOT contagious! Although, if you've ever been divorced you may have felt like that is how most of your friends made you feel. Having been through a divorce (a time or two:( I know that is how I felt. People treat you as if you getting divorced is going to effect their own marriages. It's really quite bizarre.

People don't mean to judge...it just happens...I think because they don't know what to say... people that you used to considered 'good friends' suddenly are too busy to talk and stop taking your phone calls once they hear of the divorce. Christian and non-Christian friends alike...though I always expected more from the Christian friends; I guess that whole "Treat others how you want to be treated" rule made me think that... or the 'judge not lest you be judged'. Those seem to get thrown out the window with the word D.I.V.O.R.C.E....

I guess maybe there is some list somewhere of sins that are 'acceptable' and sins that are 'not'. I'm not privy to this list of sins, but I can imagine what sins would be in what column. I would assume that murder would be in the 'not' column. As well as stealing and coveting thy neighbors wife and being envious may be in the 'acceptable' column along with not reading your Bible daily or attending church every Sunday... your friends would cut you some slack on 'those' sins...

My point is that our God IS a loving God, a forgiving God for ALL that sin; which includes EVERYONE. Sin is sin. No matter how us humans choose to define or catagorize sin... it's all the same to God. And when we give it to Him and repent... He forgives... everyone that asks for no matter what sin we commit.

So, being proud and acting better than others... is a sin... being judgemental towards others... is a sin...
being unforgiving to those that have sinned against you...is a sin... Sin is sin... it ALL needs to be forgiven. No body is better than another.

People that are going through a divorce are already going through a hard time in their lives. If you've never been through one and it's hard for you to understand. Then count yourself lucky. I think that some people just don't know what to say. It's like when someone dies... or is diagnosed with a disease; any of those times that people just simply don't know what to say and instead of expressing that to their friend they make the mistake of saying nothing at all; of avoiding that person because the situation makes them uncomfortable. But what's happening with their friend is that they are hurting and feeling lonely and needing a friend and their friends have left them in their time of need.... that makes me sad... sad for those people that are hurting...

Step outside your comfort zone with your friends and acquaintences and if you find that they are going through a divorce, or have been diagnosed with a disease, or lost someone close to them... even if you don't know what exactly to say and even if you don't agree with divorce... say something to let them know that you are still their friend and are there for them if they need an ear that you are there for them no matter...because you are choosing to be like Jesus and love others with grace and compassion.

If you are going through a divorce or have recently and are hurting... please email me so that I can pray for you. Divorce, no matter how much it may be needed, still hurts... you need to know that you are not alone and that people do care and that you are still a child of God that loves you deeply... no matter your sin.

First things first...

2010-01-31T21:12:00.000-06:00

Many things in life have a order in which they have to be done. You can't learn to walk, until you've learned how to stand. You can't start lifting weights at 100 lbs you have to build up. It's a process. You can't ski down a mountain until you've climbed to the top.

Having to jump through hoops in order to get to the finish line isn't always fun. Okay, let's be real... it's not any fun. But... jumping through the hoops is essential to learning how to get to the finish line so it must be done.

Having to take one step at a time when looking at a marathon race of 26.2 miles seems like a billion too many steps to take just to finish. But... without the first step and the 1000th step and the 10,000th step... you would never cross the finish line. All the steps you have to take to accomplish the goal are ALL necessary to achieve the goal. No matter how small they are or if they were in the beginning or the middle of the end of the race. Every step, no matter, put together with the other steps played a part in getting to the goal.

I feel like I'm doing a marathon in my life right now... and sometimes I think that it's actually a marathon walk...made for toddlers!... Because I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere too quickly. I don't think I've gotten to the 1000th step yet!... I have miles to go before I sleep! lol...

Patience... do NOT EVER pray for God to give you patience. Learn from my mistake! That is one thing you do NOT pray for! Because... He will give you that prayer! And the only way to give you patience is to allow you to live in such a way that you have to develop patience on your own! And how very painful that can be! I didn't used to be a patient person as a teenager. Got married... I prayed (oops!)... by the time my first baby came three years later, I had patience. By the time the second baby came four years after that... I had the patience of Job! God DOES answer prayers! I amaze friends and family with my patience level. They would all cave. Oh well, I'd say... chill... it's no big deal... I'm patient. I used to teach the 4-5 year olds in church. I loved them! Great fun! Were they rowdy and hyper? You betcha! Did we have fun? You betcha we did! Did they listen to me and obey? Pretty much, yep! Would anyone else dare step foot in the room with the energy level? Nope! (chickens!)... so, I am a very patient person.

All that just to say... I'm starting to get impatient. I've been flying around in a holding pattern over the airport to land just so I can pack and take off again... but the darn plane won't land! God knows my patience level. I wonder if He's trying to stretch it even more? I wonder if it's a faith thing? God knows I have all my faith in Him. And then I thought... maybe it's just a steps issue... everything has to be done in specific steps... maybe I'm supposed to be learning something now that I will need to know down the road. Like learning to stand before a baby can walk. So, I pray that God would show me what I am supposed to be doing in this particular 'step' of my journey...because sometimes we can't take the next step until we have fully completed the previous 'step'.

If you're stuck in a holding pattern wondering what your next step is supposed to be, I would encourage you to pray for God to reveal to you what your next step is to be and make sure you learn what you're supposed to learn on this 'step'.

Others...

2010-01-31T10:07:00.000-06:00

Open the eyes of my heart so that I can see what you see God...

so that I may see others how you see them...

...loveable despite their sins...
...heart broken and trying to move on...
...desperate for answers in a world with nothing to offer...
...lost in the dark and feeling no way out...
...turning to drugs because evil is always just a heart beat away...
...searching to find out who the really are, but getting lost in the world's description...
...deceived by the ones they love because their best interests aren't being made...
...lonely and hurting with a smile on their faces hiding behind the wall they've created...

I'm sure you know people that 'fit' into at least one of those descriptions, if you were to take time out and really look into the lives of the people that surround you. Problem is... life is busy...there are things that have to get done...bills to pay, clothes to wash, meals to be made, children to take care of, the list goes on... we're so busy living our own lives that we often forget to reach out to others in need.

There is a world full of broken and hurting people that could use a friend to help them find their way. If only people would take the ten minutes to find out what others around them need. Often just to know that someone cares about them and would pray for or with them about their situation in life would make a huge impact on them. But... sometimes we just don't take the time to find out what small meaningful thing we can do to make someone elses' world a little brighter.

What is hope?

2010-01-30T22:36:00.000-06:00

What is hope?
It's a feeling that you have that something you desire will happen or you will achieve or that a situation will turn out for the best. To believe... to desire...to have expectations...

Have you ever hoped for anything? Yes, I know that's a silly question! Everybody has hoped for all kinds of different things their entire lives, from being a baby and hoping to be fed and loved to being a child and hoping for a special toy for Christmas or birthday. Hoping to pass a test, or to get a date with someone you've got your eyes on... hoping your best friend will forgive you when you messed up and hoping your parents don't find out that you were out past curfew.

Hope is what keeps us going, it's what makes us get up in the morning...hope for a better day than the day before. Hope is that feeling that you desire something to happen and you believe it's going to happen because that's what we do...we hope and believe...

Romans 8:24 For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? 25. But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience

Now, I don't know about you, but I do not always hope with patience. (Patience is an entirely different matter and I'll talk on that another day.)

Hope for what we do not see?... That's hoping there really IS a God in heaven that created me and loves me like the Bible says. That's hoping that a surgery comes out with a success. That's hoping that the future does hold promise of a better tomorrow. That's hoping your loved one will stop doing drugs. That's hoping your spouse will put God first in their lives. All these things we can not see with our eyes, yet we hope in them. Just because we can't see them, doesn't mean they aren't real or that they aren't important. We can't see God, but He exists.

Psalm 39:7 And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you.

There is NO better place to be!! No better place to put your hope then in your God above! If you have all your hope in God how can you go wrong? God loves you more than anyone in this world. He alone has your best interests at heart. God of all people can be trusted with anything and everything. I place ALL of my hope in Him alone!

Psalm 71:14 But I will hope continually, And will praise thee yet more and more.
Hope continually!? And praise?.. Exactly!! Praising God during the good times and the bad. I praise God no matter what my circumstances are. Everyday I praise God. And if I put all my hope in God, then that covers everything I could possibly need, because my Papa in heaven has my back. He wants what's best for me and will provide for all my needs.

Psalm 119:114 You are my refuge and my shield; your word is my source of hope.
Ahhh.... my refuge and my shield... I take comfort and shelter in my Father. If I ever feel scared or uncertain about my future, I just pray (talk) to my Papa... He IS my refuge and where I seek comfort. I know that He will protect me. And I know that I can read His word (Bible) and believe and that His word gives me hope for my future. My future is not of this Earth. My future is with Him in heaven. That is the hope of my heart.

Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but when the desire is fulfilled, it is a tree of life.
When we have to wait for what we hope for that is hard (understatement)... I mean...wait?!... seriously?
Why can we not have what we want when we want it?!... You know, like Burger King "Have it your way at Burger King" (I've got those song lyrics going through my head right now, and you do too if you grew up in the 80's like I did). Who wants to wait?... but... that saying "all good things come to those that wait". God wants us to wait. God wants us to put ALL of our trust and hope in Him alone! And when we do... the payoff is amazing! And definitely worth the wait!

When I have a hard time with hoping for something that seems like I may never get it I listen to this song "Satisfy", because its asking God to come and satisfy my needs showing me that He is all I need. And when I look at God as being all that I need, then the desire and hope to have something else goes away.
And in that moment...of calling out to God to satisfy my needs, I find the most amazing peace of spirit!
Peace of spirit so intense that it would sell on the streets! If you don't have a clue as to what I am referring to, don't fret... once upon a time, I didn't either. If you are reading this and that is you questioning and wondering... please feel free to email me and share so that I can pray for you. Or share with you how you can experience God's amazing peace of spirit. Because no one should go through life being "left out"!

Tenth Avenue North
"Satisfy" lyrics
(google it since I can't play it here)

Before the sun has touched the sky

Colors bursting from Your eyes

Before the flood of the morning light

Before the earth has felt Your heat

Before I stand up to my feet

Before I begin to feel this weak

Satisfy me Lord, oh oh

Satisfy me Lord, oh oh

I'm begging You, to help me see

You're all I want, You're all I need

Oh, satisfy me Lord

When the day is closing in

Like the stars in the night I am falling

Into the pull of the earth and it's affection

In me, oh lord, can you create

A pure heart cuz I'm afraid

That I just might run back to the things I hate

Satisfy me Lord, oh oh

Satisfy me Lord, oh oh

Yeah, I'm begging You, to help me see

You're all I want, You're all I need

Oh, satisfy me Lord

You're beautiful, You're beautiful

You're more than all this world can give

You're beautiful, You're beautiful

You're love is all I need to live

You're beautiful, You're beautiful

You're more than all this world can give

You're beautiful, more beautiful

You're love is all I need to live

Dreams...do you have one for your life?

2010-01-21T12:35:00.002-06:00

“There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, "Yes, I've got dreams, of course I've got dreams." Then they put the box away and bring it out once in awhile to look in it, and yep, they're still there.” Erma Bombeck *** Very wise woman

The problem a lot of people have is that they get caught up in living life that they lose sight of the dreams they had when they were a child and didn't have the responsibilities of an adult. As a child we are free to dream and create what we want our future to become... and then... we grow up and responsibilities happen and bills have to get paid and babies have to be taken care of and spouses want your time and attention and the next thing you know twenty years have passed by and the dreams you had as a child... are still there...in the box you put them in, under your bed or in the back of your closet...unlived...

God has a way of stirring your heart and making you aware of those past dreams. He reminds you that He gave you those dreams as a child and that even though you have been living life and not tended to those dreams in years... that it's okay because His timing is best and He lets you know when it's time to get those dreams out of the box. Not just for show and tell or a trip down memory lane, but when it's time to start down the road to living that dream...

Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe.” Gail Devers

You just have to seek Him first above all else and listen with your heart to what He has to say... God wants you to follow your dreams that He gave you and He'll make them the desire of your heart that can never be quenched until you are fulfilling your dreams that He has layed before you...

God is smiling....

2010-01-21T09:40:00.000-06:00

Knowing God is in control of your life and the He alone knows the "big picture" of your life while we try not to get lost in the woods gives me great comfort. It relieves me of having to worry about what's going to happen and if everything is going to 'work out'. I just give it all to God. That's HIS job. I'm just along for the ride. He's the pilot...I'm the passenger. I love this set up.
Though, sometimes it's not easy to NOT know what's going to happen because we want to be in control and that's where FAITH comes in. You simply have to have faith that God IS in control and that God loves you enough to care about what happens to you in this life.

Faith isn't always easy. Faith is easier for people when their life is going well. When they have a job, their health is good, their bills are paid and there is nothing going 'wrong' in their lives. That's not having true faith.

Faith is shown and displayed in the darkest part of the tunnel... when life is NOT going your way... when your world is crashing down around you and all you can do somedays is wake up and breathe... when in the midst of your darkness, when in the peak of your unknown future, when the mountain top can't even be seen because the clouds are hovering above...when you can call out to Jesus and stand in the knowledge that God IS in control... that is faith.

“Strength is born in the deep silence of long-suffering hearts; not amid joy.” Arthur Helps
Oh so very true... you can't get strong when you don't lift any weights...

The last four years have been a very bumpy road for me... complete with some very dark tunnels...

“If God sends us on strong paths, we are provided strong shoes.” Corrie TenBoom

God never left me. He was always there shining His light giving me direction.

These last six months have been a 'blessing in disguise' having suffered a work injury and having to have knee surgery... off work all this time... still waiting for the second surgery. My friends and family have thought I was crazy having the attitude that I've had about the injury and having to have surgery... I think they even thought that perhaps I was a masochist with the surgery. They thought me weird to think of a injury and surgery as a 'blessing' after all... blessings aren't supposed to have pain and hardship...are they?
Aren't blessings supposed to be like money pouring from heaven? soft cuddly teddy bears? new cars? great job? anything other than pain and hardship!...

“What seems to us as bitter trials are often blessings in disguise” Oscar Wilde (smart man)

It's ALL a matter of perspective... I immediately looked at my hardship as a blessing because I know that I know that I know that GOD IS in control of my life! God loves ME! And that with that perspective in mind... I know that the situation will work out. Knowing that it will work out with a great blessing of an outcome! There have been so many blessings that have come from the injury already... God is good!
And I have recently found out there are more blessings to come and I just know that my Father in heaven is smiling down at me and my excitement for having discovered something He knew all along! Because I wasn't worried about the situation I never bothered to look ahead.
Friends recently were urging me to look ahead (their concern for my 'dismal' life and future) and so I did... and what did I find?... An amazing blessing that God knew all along!...So, I see God smiling with me today as a loving Papa as I discovered something He knew all along and happy to see my delight and happier even more so that I put ALL my trust in HIM these last six months and didn't question what was happening. I think my Papa is smiling with me in my joy of what's to come and happy that He knows that I fully trust Him.

Word of God Speak... listen...

2010-01-20T08:34:00.002-06:00

Sometimes you just don't know what to say...

Sometimes you just don't know what to do...

Sometimes the only thing you can do... is pray... and it's okay...

You can't hear God speak to you, if you're always talking...if you're too busy living life to listen to Him, to hear Him and what He's trying to tell you...

Sometimes you just need to say nothing and get in His presence so you can hear what He has to say...

Mercy Me "Word of God Speak" lyrics
(google it - LOVE this song!)

I'm finding myself at a loss for words

And the funny thing is it's okay

The last thing I need is to be heard

But to hear what You would say

[CHORUS]

Word of God speak

Would You pour down like rain

Washing my eyes to see

Your majesty

To be still and know

That You're in this place

Please let me stay and rest

In Your holiness

Word of God speak

I'm finding myself in the midst of You

Beyond the music, beyond the noise

All that I need is to be with You

And in the quiet hear Your voice

[REPEAT CHORUS 2x]

I'm finding myself at a loss for words

And the funny thing is it's okay

Matthew 4:4
But he answered and said, It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.

Hebrews 4:12
For the word of God is living, and active, and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing even to the dividing of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and quick to discern the thoughts and intents of the heart.

Luke 11:28
But he said, Yea rather, blessed are they that hear the word of God, and keep it.

Sometimes you just need to say nothing and get in His presence so you can hear what He has to say...

I pray that you would pray that God would open the eyes of your heart so that you can see what God sees and that you also pray that God would make the desire of your heart what He would have you do with your life. Because the only way a person can truly feel fulfilled in this life is if they are serving God and serving others. This life is not your own... You are here to serve God...

Forgiving... yourself...

2010-01-15T08:39:00.001-06:00

Ask yourself, if I met someone and heard their story, and their story was the exact same as mine.. mistakes made and all... how would you feel for that person? Would you feel judgement? Would you be critical of them? Or would you feel compassion and understanding? Would you want to extend them grace and love?

“Forgiveness means letting go of the past.” Gerald Jampolsky
You can't live in the past and forgive in the present.

Love is an act of forgiveness... you have to love yourself. Because if you don't love yourself... you can not love others. You just can't. People treat others how they feel about themselves.

Forgiving yourself is one of the hardest things to do... sometimes I think it's harder to forgive yourself then it is to forgive others. If you met someone that had made the same 'mistakes' (life decisions) as you have made. You would be more apt to extend grace and forgiveness to that person that you would yourself. You have to be able to treat yourself with the same compassion and grace as you desire to treat others.

Grasping the fact that you are God's child and that he loves you completely unconditionally, not despite of your 'mistakes' but simply because He created you just how you are with all your strengths and weaknesses. He loved you before you were born. You did and can do absolutely NOTHING to "earn" that love. It is yours because God is who He is ... your creator.

Humbling thought... but what an absolutely comforting thought to KNOW that you are loved by your heavenly Father no matter what you do!! Ahhh!....

Regret...

Living with regret over your past decisions and how life has gone is wasted energy that you could be used to make your future better. If there is something in your life that you wish you had done differently, then make the decision today to change your ending... no one can go back, no one can change the past, but everyone can start today to make for a different ending...

Treat yourself as if you are the stranger you just met that has made some poor choices in life and extend yourself the love and grace that you would extend others... and live for the future in the present! That way, you can truly love yourself and thus you can truly love others where they are in their lives... :)

Just for me...thinking on page...

2010-01-14T10:37:00.000-06:00

This one is for me today... because you might have had similar thoughts and it might help you to know that others do too and you're not alone...

Heavy heart...hands are tied...feeling helpless...

Praying non-stop...Seeking wisdom...Need direction...because I just have to do something... anything to help... because as a mom it kills to be sit back and watch...

When you become a parent it changes your life. (Or at least it did for me). It changed my whole perspective on my life. Prior to being a mom, I lived totally for that day. No worries of dying. Carefree and no hope of a future. No thought of growing old (honestly figured I'd die young and I was okay with that). But when you have a baby... you put them first. And suddenly you want to live to see them grow up and have their own babies. Everything you do, every decision you make is made with the thought of what's best for them. You want to make your babies' world perfect. I don't know if I went over board in that area because I didn't like how my childhood was and I wanted to make my children's as close to "perfect" as possible. Loving them unconditionally everyday. Smothering them in love, hugs and kisses. Always there for them, to show them that they are not alone and that they are important to me. Teaching them about life... wrongs and rights... goods and bads...
But there comes a point when it doesn't matter how much you love your baby... it doesn't matter that you would give anything to make their life, their world "perfect", because life happens...

Just as life happens in your own life, of course it happens in your child's life as well. And that...life happening..is the hardest part of being a parent. Even if 'life happening' is because of decisions that you made, or they made... there are things in life that we have no control.

Yes, I could have said "No, you can't play", (actually I DID say that on many occasions and for many years!)...if only I'd held out...

People put their trust in Doctors thinking that they went to school, they know... that's wrong. Just because they went to school... they don't know all. They aren't God. Always go with your gut. God gave us our instincts for a reason.

It's hard to go with your instinct all the time when you have a child with a dream, a talent and a passion that is thinking and living like all kids live (thinking they are invinsible!) So, you are persuaded to go against that instinct that is telling you "he could get hurt", "he's already had a concussion, don't let him go out again"... so, you do what any parent would do. You go to the Dr... the specialists that "know"... and they run tests and decide that 'it looks good'... he's free to play. So, against your better judgement because you want your child to be happy, and he has such a passion for the sport and is so talented you tell him that since the Dr... the specialist says you're okay to play... you let your son play because as a parent you want to make your child's world happy.
Football made him happy. He played with more passion than I could ever comprehend. But I didn't need to understand it fully, just to respect it and allow him to play with my love and support. Going to every game to cheer him on. To be there to soak in his victories and to console in his losses...

I didn't know... I didn't research concussions enough. I read on them when he suffered from his first one, and from his second one... the information just isn't out there... they just don't tell you... because the truth is... they don't know.
As I have since discovered. They should come forth with more information that they DO know! But... they haven't.
There is a gap. A huge gap! Between what is readily available about concussions and what they do know and just don't say. It's lack of education, information... it's cost my son BIG.
Despite our technology today, the brain is still widely unknown territory for understanding.

So, my problem that I am faced with as a mom is to help my son whom now suffers from Post Concussion Syndrome... which according to the websites.. "will get better in a matter of weeks or perhaps months"... uh huh... it's been ten months now since my son's last concussion... he's not getting better... perhaps even worse.
Memory issues that Dory can relate to. In the movie it's cute and funny...in real life... it sucks!
Concentration issues that a person with ADD can relate to. (but we can't medicate the healing brain)
Depression (well, duh! who wouldn't; besides the clinal depression the brain is actually trying to heal with all the 'extras' that don't belong in the brain caused by the concussions) and
Headaches... daily headaches... and then as a bonus whenever you try to read, which strains the brain, you get really bad headaches. (fyi.. the brain can not retain any information put into it when it has a headache going on).

So, today... I feel like my hands are tied... I'm praying and worshipping God KNOWING beyond ALL that HE HAS a plan for my son's life! He has spared my son's life on more than one occasion. So, there is no doubt. But walking down this dark tunnel right now wanting to be the mommy that makes it all better, and I can't...
is the hardest part of being parent... your heart breaks for your child because you want to flip a switch and make it all go away. You want to walk through it for them so they don't have to suffer... but you know that they have to walk through it themselves, but never alone. They have to learn to trust in God and to lean on God and seek God themselves... and all we can do as a parent is lead them in the right direction and pray. Pray that they have the desire to follow God with all their hearts. Pray that they don't take a turn down a different road because it may seem easier then hanging on and keeping the faith.

Forgiveness...dissolving the link...

2010-01-11T10:39:00.000-06:00

Forgiveness... what's that mean to you? Are you the type that believes "forgiving is forgetting"? or do you think forgiveness is unattainable? Or maybe you have the attitude that you will forgive that person, but you will never forget...?

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” Catherine Ponder

I believe there is a lot of truth in Catherine's quote. The whole dissoving the link...

Something to think about... how much is "too much" to forgive? Is there a limit on how much we are to forgive or are capable of forgiving?... according to God the answer is No. We are to forgive everyone everything or He won't forgive us our sins.
In real life that is so very much easier said then done. I mean seriously, you can forgive people's rudeness to you, you can forgive all those types of 'small sins', you know that don't 'really' effect you and who you are. But on the grander scale, the scale of sins that actually effect who you are as a person, those kind of sins that make an impact on who you become...because the sin puts a mark on your soul... can you forgive those?

For instance, I didn't have a grand childhood... not that everyday was horrific with abuse (but there WAS abuse) and not that there weren't good times (I recall some of those), but the abuse I suffered as a child had a HUGE impact on who I am today. Can I forgive that? Is it forgiveable? Forgettable? I believe it is forgiveable because I've already done that. So, I know that without a doubt. Will I ever forget the past? No. God gave us a memory... for better or worse... and I will always remember...but that doesn't mean I can't forgive. That doesn't mean that I live in the past and allow it to effect who I am today. I don't use it as a crutch and feel sorry for myself. I don't act as if the world owes me something because of the abuse I suffered. NO!!... It happened. Bad things happen in life. That is a fact of life. People sin against others. You allow yourself some time to heal, and you move on.

When people choose to hold onto the sins that others have done against them, they are allowing that sin to have a continual hold on their lives. That sin then becomes who they think they are as a person. (more on that another day) They carry that sin around with them like it's their skin. Wearing it, showing it to others as if it's a trophy. The problem is... they haven't forgiven the sinner. The sin owns them...owns their life.

They are then bound by that sin and are not free to be who they were meant to be in Christ.

Forgiveness frees you.

It makes you capable of moving on past the sin, past the hurt and pain...it allows the sin to become just a memory that you can then draw upon down the road to help you have compassion for other people that you encounter that are suffering from that same sin... and then you can help that person see that even though they are suffering from pain of whatever sin it is...that they too can forgive and heal and move on with their life. And not be bound by the sin themselves. And without having your own personal memories to draw from how much harder would it be to relate and thus help othes? And you can't help others forgive their sins if you yourself have not forgiven yours. If you are not a Free person, you can't help Free others.

For the Bible says that we are to bear one anothers burdens... so learning to forgive others sins allows us to in turn help others learn to forgive sins and move on with their lives free from the bondage that unforgiveness has. It's has the potential to be an awesome domino effect.

Could you forgive someone for verbal abuse?...physical abuse?... sexual abuse?... being molested or raped?... could you forgive someone for murder of a loved one?... Now those are some deep wounds! Deep sins against you that most people would say... I understand that you could never forgive that (whatever one of those it is). I personally have suffered all but the murder of those sins against me. Yes, I have had them all... (that's for another time to discuss). Yes, I have forgiven all those that did those sins against me. I had to... because it then freed me from the sin. Those sins no longer have a hold on my soul. They can't have a hold when you forgive those people.... it sets you free!

Reading the book 'The Shack' last summer really opened me eyes to just how powerful God's spirit is and just how serious He is in telling us that no matter what the sin is... we are called to forgive those that sin against us. If you haven't read the book, you don't know what I'm referring to and I would urge you to read the book! It is one of the most powerful messages!
In the story there is a scene in a cave where God tells the father that he has to forgive the man that murdered his daughter... (I don't want to give it away), it's a very powerful scene. Read the book.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” Mahatma Gandhi

I believe this to be true. You have to be strong in who you are in Christ. You have to know that you are a child of the Abba Father in heaven that made you in his form with all of your strengths and weakness to be just who you are and that no matter what... He loves you. He loved you before you were born simply because you are His child. Similar to how a mother loves her child the moment she finds out she's pregnant. It doesn't matter if that child will be a boy or a girl with what color hair, or who it will look like, that love is there immediately simply because it will be her child. But the Bible says God loves His children more than we can even comprehend... so how cool is that?! I'm a mother. I've got four children...I know what that feeling is like to love a child before they are even born. And to stop in awe at the thought that I am loved by my heavenly Father more than I love my children is hard for my brain to understand. But then... God is tamquam ignotum, utterly unknowable. Our brains are just not smart enough to be able to compare.

Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.” Sara Paddison

Sara is a wise woman. I have forgiven people that have sinned against me, some I have verbally expressed this to them, others died before I could tell them. But that's okay. I didn't forgive them in order for them to apologize to me. That's not having the right heart in forgiving. You can't expect an apology from those that sin against you. You can't expect that that person will change who they are or that they will even be sorry or remorseful... you simply have to forgive and move on.

“You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.” Lewis B. Smedes

Lewis is wise as well... when you can have the heart for those that have sinned against you and despite the pain they cause you, truly wish them well on their journey of life...then you know in your heart that you have forgiven them and have God's love for them. And how very freeing that is to have!!

“He who is devoid of the power to forgive, is devoid of the power to love.” Martin Luther King, Jr

People that can't forgive others of the sins...don't love themselves. You have to love yourself before you can love others. Without self love, you are incapable of loving others. Thus you can't forgive others. If that is you... I pray that you will read the book "Abba's Child" and "Ragamuffin Gospel" by Brennan Manning. And I pray that you would release the sins of others against you, so that you can be free to be who God made you to be! Trust me... you have no idea who you truly are until you have learned to let go of the sin!

“Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.” Paul Boese

Forgiveness is a choice. You have to choose to forgive others, no matter how big or small the sin. Because by not forgiving... you aren't fully living in the truth of who you are and were meant to be. You allow that sin to own you. To keep you hostage in your own body.

Choose to be a forgiving soul... so that you can be FREE to be the REAL you!

Being Silent...

2010-01-07T10:25:00.001-06:00

“It is great wisdom to know how to be silent and to look at neither the remarks, nor the deeds, nor the lives of others.” St. John of the Cross

I was reading through quotes the other day, as I often do to help me focus on something for that day. I will find a quote and then a corresponding Bible verse and think about it. (helps me somedays with my brain that is frequently like a monkey on red bull:) Anyway, "It is great wisdom to know how to be silent and to look at neither the remarks, nor the deeds, nor the lives of others." WOW! That may not effect you as deeply as it does me... but I pray that if it doesn't... that someday it WILL!.

That can be taken several ways... how to be silent? I hadn't thought about it til now that being wisdom... being silent and NOT judging others for anything they have done or said or how they have lived their lives...
that is NOT an easy task. Human nature wants to compare ourselves with others, wants to judge what others do and say with our own value system as to whether we agree with it or don't.
What comes to mind to me is my mother. You don't know my background, but someday I will share more of it, but my mother suffers from depression... deep dark depression and has my entire life. Didn't make for a great childhood to say the least. My mother attempted suicide when I was 15 yrs old. She had been making life at home unbearable and my Dad worked out of town during the week and we only got to see him on the weekends. Some weekends he didn't come home. I had a lot of hurt, anger and bitterness against my mother for ruining my life... I was so miserable at home that when I had enough credits to graduate highschool... I got out early! I got out of highschool and then proceeded to get married. (you can look at that as a huge mistake for all the right reasons you're totally right! But I look at my 22 yr old daughter and think what a blessing she has been in my life and I can't imagine life without her in it... so I call it an experience, a life choice). It took me several years to heal from the wounds of my childhood and to be able to "get over" the anger and hurt... God heals... as I have been healed, my understanding of my mother has changed. I have watched as it has transformed over the years. I have close friends and even family members that wonder how I can call my mother every week now and not let the past effect me. How I can have compassion, grace and love for her. But it's not hard at all. Ya, I could say it's a 10 commandment to Honor thy Father and thy Mother... but how cliche. The truth is... I asked God to open the eyes of my heart to see others how He sees them. To allow me to have the compassion, grace and love that He has for His people.
My mother, like everyone, is a hurting individual. Everyone has been hurt by someone. How you choose to handle that hurt is totally up to you. Some people are stronger people than others. It's okay. God made us all different. It's okay. No one is better than the other. People just have different strengths in different areas. I can not judge you, nor you judge me. I can't judge my mother for my childhood, because she did the best she knew how to do. She had circumstances that I understand a whole lot better now as a grown up and as a mom. I haven't walked in her shoes. So... I stand in silence...and to look at neither the remarks, nor the deeds, nor the lives of others... and I will love her and everyone else as God has called us to do... with compassion, grace and love... loving people purely because they are God's people... no questions asked, no history of their behavior or life choices... just because... wow! How freeing!
The next time someone upsets you with what they say, or do... stop and think to yourself..."am I being silent?"...

Peace of spirit.... ahhhh....

2010-01-05T11:16:00.000-06:00

Have you ever gone through tough times?... lol... I know, that's a joke! Everybody has gone through tough times in their lives and if you haven't... wow! Are you ever sheltered and spoiled! (ha). Tough times seem to have followed me around like the black cloud that follows the cartoon character Ziggy around when everybody else is walking in sunshine. Bad luck? ... karma?... cursed?... I don't believe in those. But I do believe that the devil likes to play with professed Christians in an attempt to shake their trust in God. To wear you down to make you think that God isn't real and that He doesn't care about what you are going through down here on Earth... which of course is NOT true; but the devil would love to make you believe that and shake your faith. And if you, as a Christian and follower of Christ, are not strong enough in your belief of His love for you, and are easily swayed to believe that God isn't real and doesn't care... then... Satan wins. Hands down.
I personally have given Satan a run for his money over the years. He's won a few battles, I'll admit... but he has NOT won the war!
I have made the mistake of not keeping God as my center... and when that happens poor decisions are made. I'm keeping God as my center from now on... satan will have an extremely hard time to shake my faith now because these last months, years... have only made my faith stronger and all the 'bad luck' I've gone through has just proven to me that God IS in control of my life and He DOES love me!
Getting rid of the things in your life that bring you down, or allow satan to mess with your mind help in giving God the ability to show you just how much He loves you and wants to be your number one.
God has brought me into a place of extreme peace of spirit... my soul is at peace...and wow! Does it ever feel amazing!...Putting God TOTALLY first, EVERYDAY, without fail; praying for those people that cause you hurt and stress and not allowing them to effect your faith in God... is amazing.

"Vow" by Kutless

Another year has come and gone but nothings changed

I've wasted another year doing the same old things

I want to break out of this and turn my life around

I'm going to make a vow to repent an turn to you.

[CHORUS:]

I'm crying out to you now as I make my new years vow

I'll tell you I love you and I'll honor you somehow

Hear my promise to you in this new years vow I give

You all of me

You'll be all of my life and I'll never think twice to

do all that you have for me

In my new years vow

Lord I'll do my best to do, all that I say

I'm not perfect but I know, that's OK

If I stumble you won't condemn my shame

I'm going to make a vow to repent an turn to you

[CHORUS]

Its a new year this year is different

From the other ones...

Because I will no longer allow anyone to move my God from his first place in my life... made that mistake before... I've learned... I've also allowed non-believers to effect my life in negative ways... I've allowed people that exude evil to influence me... I will never again allow that to happen to me. I've learned...

By learning... and by getting back to center... I am now at such peace in my spirit which is the most AMAZING feeling, because I've always had peace in my spirit, despite all the horrible events that I have lived through in my life, I've had a peace about me...because God has always been in my life and He's always gotten me through everything, but this new level, new depth of peace is almost indescribable! God loves me! This I KNOW! There is NOTHING and no one worth losing this depth of peace in my soul over!
I've learned...

Forgiving... forgetting...

2009-12-31T13:41:00.001-06:00

“Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.” Lewis B. Smedes

*** with the end of the year, may you find a way to forgive those from your past so that both of you can make for a great new year!

Matthew 6:14 “For if you forgive others²⁰ their sins, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 6:15 But if you do not forgive others, your Father will not forgive you your sins.

That verse is pretty powerful if you think about it. If you don't forgive others their sins against you... God will not forgive you your sins. Ouch! How then, is it that so many people do NOT forgive others? How is it that they can justify their behavior to themselves, others and God for NOT forgiving others?... makes me wonder..

There are 184 verses in the Bible about forgiving... read them sometime... I have.

Forgiving is a choice. I choose to forgive everyone that has ever wronged me, big or little. I chose not to be angry, hurt or bitter about any of the situations. Unforgiveness takes up too much energy... it's too negative for my spirit. I'm a positive soul... I choose to forgive and move on to happier days.

If you have ever wronged me... please know that you are forgiven. If I have ever wronged you, I pray that you would forgive me.
I believe that anyone can make the change to be a better person if they choose to do so.
I pray that you would desire to be constantly growing and changing in your walk with God and your walk of life.

Chapters closing...

2009-12-31T13:12:00.001-06:00

Today is New Years Eve... the last day of 2009. It's not just the last day of a month and year but of a decade.
It's the closing of chapters..

A moment last all of a second, but the memory lives on forever.

Everything you live through helps to make you the person you are now.

The end of the year always brings people to reflect on the past years experiences... good and bad... a sigh of relief that a new year and the chance for a new beginning is upon us and hope that the new year will bring better experiences, happier days, more prosperous times. Better health for those that suffered in the last year.
Better jobs or just to have a job for those unemployed. It's actually amazing to me that there is so much pressure put on January 1. People expect good changes to happen overnight. They act as if they will go to sleep after ringing in the new year and their lives will be suddenly different. The month of January is typically the month of New Years Resolutions attempt to happen. And when people realize that change in their lives is NOT overnight, that it's going to take WORK to make positive changes in their lives on a DAILY basis... diets, working out, giving up smoking, or drinking... they all take time. They all require a daily attempt to do it right. And once you take the first step and get one day down, then you have to wake up the next day as if it were "New Years Day" all over again and get it right that day too. And wake up the next day with the same thought... it's only after you have made the change on a daily basis over a period of time that you will see any real change in your life. Because change is a process...
Sometimes change takes days, months but sometimes change takes years... the waiting and the conscious effort that you must put into the changes eventually pays off to achieve the original goal that drove you to want the change to begin with. When you reach the point of being at the peak of the mountain that you have just been climbing... that's the time for celebration! The point of being able to say that all that hard work paid off and you have successfully changed your life!

If God sends us on strong paths, we are provided strong shoes.” Corrie TenBoom

I've been on the journey to change my life with God's prodding for he has plans for my life for a few years now. I've been at a crossroads of wondering what direction I'm supposed to take. It's interesting to me that where I am in my life right now and how it meets up so perfectly with the end of the year and the end of a decade... a totally fresh year and decade to be written! My prayer is God's will for my life be made the desire of my heart.

Only Hope lyrics by Switchfoot

There's a song that's inside of my soul
It's the one that I've tried to write over and over again
I'm awake in the infinite cold
But You sing to me over and over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands
and pray to be only Yours
I pray to be only Yours
I know now you're my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars
Of Your galaxy dancing and laughing
and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me of the plans that You have for me over again

And I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray to be only yours
I know now you're my only hope

I give You my apathy
I'm giving You all of me
I want Your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs I'm giving it back

The beginning of the new year/ new decade is also the beginning of my journey that God is putting me on... how VERY exciting!! I truly can not wait to see what unfolds in my life in the coming years! I'm leaving my past life behind me... I've had some wonderful happy days that I will cherish forever and I have had some horribly sad devastating days that I would have preferred to have never had to live through!

But what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger... my heart and soul are so much stronger now... I'm also able to give so many more people compassion for their dark days because I personally have gone through my own.

A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. -Lao Tzu

I've got my hiking shoes on... I'm ready to start my new walk!... Life is an adventure and I'm blessed to have a God that loves me so much that he has a wonderful plan for my life!

Thought for the day: Perspective

2009-12-28T22:46:00.002-06:00

“Memory is a way of holding on to the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.” Kevin Arnold

Have you ever thought about your memories from the past? Have you ever questioned if the way you remember something happening if that is truly how it happened? The mind has a way of playing 'tricks' on you sometimes... but more likely the way you remember something happening is directly related to your past experiences and how they have molded you to who you are. Everybodies life experiences are different because personalities are different and so people respond differently to the same incident. I recently watched an episode of Grey's Anatomy where they showed a patient coming into the ER and then he died. They showed how ten doctors were there, but all ten doctors had different stories as to what happened to that patient. It makes you realize that people can be in the same exact situation but it impacts you differently. You see it differentlybecause you are more sensitive to certain issues and not so aware of some.
With that in mind... when you think about your life, your life issues, other people in your life and their issues... do you stop and think that the way you initially think and respond to the issue is the only point of view? Or are you all too aware that there are many ways to look at a situation and try to think outside your personal box?
I try to think outside myself... knowing that some issues can be skewed by my personal viewpoints based on my personal experiences.
When thinking about my future it's the same way. I know that what I am thinking may not be real clear because of my perspective.
Everyone has a different perspective... we should respect each others perspective no matter how skewed they are from reality. Some people's perspective is so skewed from the truth that all you can do for them is pray. Pray that God would open their eyes of their hearts to see clearly.
I pray Ephesians 1:18. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling what are the riches of the glory of his inheritance in the saints.
Pray that God would reveal the truth to them, because living in denial of reality is not growing in maturity.

If we're growing, we're always going to be out of our comfort zone.” John Maxwell

I pray that God keeps me uncomfortable with what He would have me doing in my life, so that I am growing in Him and maturing. I pray that God would open the eyes of my heart and reveal His plans for me, reveal the truth to me. Because living in denial of truth isn't maturing in God.

Thought for the day: Happiness...

2009-12-26T14:34:00.001-06:00

Thought for the day:

There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do. ~Freya Stark, The Journey's Echo ----

When I read that statement it makes me think about my past... the decisions I have made and how they didn't match up to what I knew made me happy or would make me happy. They were decisions based on other people's happiness. I was living my life to make others happy... and I put my happiness aside. I wasted a lot of years doing that and will never do that again. The only person besides myself that I will care about what they think about my decisions in life is God. And with my focus being on doing God's will for my life... I think I finally have it figured out!
Now don't get me wrong, I'm always happy and always positive! So, it's not like I was miserable in life at all.
I CAN be happy doing most anything... not real picky. For I have a grateful heart and appreciate the small things in life (sunrise, sunsets, pictures of nature, hot water showers, the joy of my children, hot tea in the morning, chatting with friends, flowers and candles aroma, to name a few) that a lot of people take for granted. I try to always live my life as if it's my last days. Because you never know when it will be your last days. The people close to me, know how I feel about them. I tell them. I won't have a death bed wish of wishing I had told them... because I do now while I'm alive.
Happiness is not something that someone can do for you or to you... happiness is found within yourself. Happiness is a choice. No matter what your situation is in your life, and they are constantly, you yourself have to choose to be happy. Everyday, no matter what... it's a choice.
It's easier to be happy if you have a grateful heart. Because with a grateful heart you can focus on the basics of what truly matters in life (bed to sleep in, warmth or cool, food to eat, clothes to wear, tooth brush and tooth paste, family, friends)... all the rest... is just life that happens. That being said, there are some people withOUT some of those basics... that are very happy people, because... they have and believe in God. If you have God in your life... how can you NOT be happy? seriously? He and he alone should be enough to make us all happy! God sending his son to die for us! To save us from Hell!... HOW can you NOT be happy with that news?! Too many people lose sight of that fact. They take that huge display of God's love for us for granted. They don't appreciate it. They feel like it's owed them. Which is sad...
Happiness is from the soul... happiness of soul...

In my past I was with people that were not happy people. No matter what I tried,... I couldn't make them happy. Took me awhile to realize that I was not responsible for their happiness... they are. Being around those type people... brings me down. They rob people around them of their happiness. Some of them even think that it IS the responsibility of others to make them happy and when you aren't making them happy with their unhappy selves the blame you. I don't miss those days. Not being around people like that... is like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I no longer have to try to make them understand that happiness is found within themselves. (people that think like that... don't take kindly to suggestions either - my personal experience)...

So, for the year 2010... I WILL be true to myself... my happiness... my God and all the decisions I make... everything I believe in WILL be what I do.

Discipline... what does that mean to you?

2009-12-26T00:41:00.000-06:00

Discipline... can be a noun or a verb... can be thought of as punishment or as a way of life.

verb (used with object) 10. to train by instruction and exercise; drill.
11. to bring to a state of order and obedience by training and control.
12. to punish or penalize in order to train and control; correct; chastise.

noun
5. behavior in accord with rules of conduct; behavior and order maintained by training and control: good discipline in an army.
6. a set or system of rules and regulations.

I view discipline as a needed system to bring to a state of order... without discipline, you wouldn't be able to hold down a job because you wouldn't have a bed time ot make yourself wake up at a specific time. People that are out of shape, for the most part, because of lack of discipline... they don't want to exercise or eat what they know they should eat... because lots of people don't practice discipline in those areas because they have the mentality that they should be able to eat what they want when they want, they don't exercise because they don't like to... it's too hard... the list could go on. I've heard them all over the years instructing at a gym. None of the reasons surprise me. I know... I've been one of them myself... in the far past. This is the time of year that there will be more people putting out money for a New Year's Resolution of 'getting in shape'. The Best intentions... but the truth is... without self discipline as a way of life... they will end up as it just being an intention... nothing more.
There are 141 verses in the Bible about discipline... majority of which refer to punshiment for wrongs.

Proverbs
12:1 The one who loves discipline loves knowledge, but the one who hates reproof is stupid

Hebrews 12:11
Now all discipline seems painful at the time, not joyful. But later it produces the fruit of peace and righteousness for those trained by it.

Discipline is a needed way of life... it's like a priority of living... it's like putting God first and others second...
discipline is what tells you to get out of bed early and workout because you know it's good for your body...
discipline is saying no to going places that you know God wouldn't want to be (and if He lives in you... and YOU go there... you just made God go there too)...
discipline is being responsible .... it's not all bad.
Exercising may not be your favorite thing to do, but it's good for your body. And... after you work out... you feel so much better!
Eating healthy may not seem like fun, but... after you give up the junk food and starting feeling better than you ever have because there is truth to the saying "you are what you eat"... discipline pays off.

1 Corinthians 11:29
For the one who eats and drinks without careful regard 1 for the body eats and drinks judgment against himself.

Sometimes life gets away from us and it becomes really hard to be disciplined in all areas of your life. Discipline takes time. Organization. I don't know about you, but I NEED discipline in my life. I feel better, I function better and I'm so much more productive. I've been undisciplined these last years because life and responsibilities became more than one person could handle. I knew I had to put routines aside and basically "put out fires" everyday because I had too 'many irons in the fire'. I hated it! I hated the feeling of being undisciplined. It was the worst couple years of my life. I had been disciplined before, so going backward... was no fun and I deeply missed the discipline my life had.
I've been able to get discipline back in my life these last 6 months and it has been like fresh water to my soul!
It's so hard for someone whom has not been disciplined to understand just what feeling I'm talking about; but... trust me... it's a very good thing!

Do you think it's all about you?...

2009-12-15T10:36:00.001-06:00

Some people view their life as it's all about them; what they want; how others aren't making them happy; how things didn't go as they wanted and are upset and put out because of such... and it never ceases to amaze me at just how truly selfish people are. Any of those attitudes is wrong... it's a sin. Selfishness, no matter how someone tries to justify it, is wrong...
The Bible says we are to treat others how we want to be treated. Period. God didn't put a a clause in there that says "well, if they do this to you ... or do that to you... or if this happens..." no... it's plain and simple... one of the Commandments... treat others how you want to be treated.
There are so many Christians that can't even do that one Commandment... which makes me wonder how they can call themselves Christians?... it's so basic.
Trying to be Christlike... is so much harder... but to treat others how you want to be treated?... It should be like breathng to those of us that call ourselves Christians... that is one of the biggest complaints I hear from my non-Christian friends, is that Christians don't act like they should... they discredit the name Christian... those type people make it so that non-Christians do not want to have anything to do with the Christian faith because they see themselves as 'better' people then most Christians. That is extremely sad to me. I'm sure that if people were polled and asked the numbers would be staggering of those that would say that they have allowed their opinions to be swayed about the Christian faith simply because of the behavior of people that proclaim to be Christian around them.
Now imagine if we took those same staggering numbers of people that had a bad experience with a Christian and made it a GOOD experience, one of actual Christs love and grace and simply treating others how you want to be treated... can you imagine then how many people would be interested to learn more about God and his love for them? Think how many people would be changed... how many people would discover that they ARE loveable and they ARE worthy of God's love.? And then those people started treating others how they wanted to be treated and gave God's grace and love away to people around them... the domino effect could be staggering!
Just as the negative effect can start with just one person... so too can the positive effect... I don't know about you, but I want to be one of those positive effect people. I want to be the one person that people encounter and say "Wow! She's different! She's Christlike, she's positive and cheerful and she makes me feel good."
Because people won't remember what you said,... but they will remember how you made them feel.

I'll Trust the unseen

2009-12-10T09:56:00.001-06:00

Trusting isn't always easy...

But it's only through trusting others, trusting God that you can experience a true intimate relationship. The deeper in intimacy you desire, the more you have to trust. Are you content in a surfacey relationship where you go through the motions of pretending you trust, but are honestly holding back your emotions, your deepest thoughts and fears? Or do you desire to know God in such a way that you seek His face and desire His heart so deeply that you jump headfirst into Him, trusting with ALL of your being knowing that He is your Father, your maker, your creator, the lover of your soul and that He alone has your back? He alone is the ONLY one that can claim to love you totally and completely unconditionally. No human can possibly compare to His love for you. When you totally trust in God, totally seek Him for your life and desire to live your life for Him, your life changes... your perspective changes because you focus your mind on God and not the little things in life that happen to try to get you down.
I've been on the surfacey side of trust... though I honestly didn't know I was there until God started to reveal to me, as an adult, that I had put myself in a self imposed prision, jail of sorts as a child ... the subconscious mind is an amazing thing and self preservation is God given. Through a series of events and years I am free from that 'jail' and the difference in my relationship with God is incomparable. I now totally and completely trust in God with all my heart and with my life. I seek Him first.

I love the song by Barlow Girl, Never Alone
Talking about having to trust in the unseen God... the chorus is below.

We cannot separate
You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

That's what God asks of us... to trust in Him...

I'm Still Yours

2009-12-07T10:06:00.002-06:00

How much Faith do you have? How much do you trust in God? Is it a casual relationship that you have, that you believe in God, but you don't put much thought into him? Or maybe you don't believe in Him at all? There comes a point in your life when you are going to have to decide what side of the fence you are on. That time comes in everybodies life at different times... some people early as a child and others not til they are grown adults. Eventually everyone will go through sometime in their life that will make them cry out to their maker... their God... or is He your God? Do you claim Him? Or are you like me that not only claims Him as my God, but puts ALL of my faith, trust and hope in Him alone! God has been with me from a very young age, I know... I felt his presence protect me and his still small voice talk to me. Him and I have been through a lot in my life and I've not always been as full of faith like I am today, I've questioned Him and His love for me just like most everybody else does at some point in their life. But... I DO fully trust Him now. With my life, with my children's lives. Like I said in my last post, you can take everything I have here on Earth... but I will still worship Him! I will serve Him and I will worship Him.... I find comfort in Him... in His arms, the arms of my heavenly Father, my Papa.

I'm Still Yours by Kutless

If You washed away my vanity
If You took away my words
If all my world was swept away
Would You be enough for me?
Would my beating heart still sing?
If I lost it all
Would my hands stay lifted
To the God who gives and takes away
If You take it all
This life You've given
Still my heart will sing to You
When my life is not what I expected
The plans I made have failed
When there's nothing left to steal me away
Will You be enough for me?
Will my broken heart still sing?
If I lost it all
Would my hands stay lifted
To the God who gives
And takes away
If You take it all
This life You've given
Still my heart Will sing to You
Even if You take it all away
You’ll never let me go
Take it all away
But I still know
That I'm Yours
I'm still Yours
Oh, I'm Yours
I'm still Yours
I'm still Yours

Can't Take Away

2009-12-05T21:26:00.005-06:00

All around
All of us
Fear has come
and so we must Ask ourselves
In who we trust
What we have here
Is not enough
So let it ring
In freedom sing
You can take away Everything that I've been holding
You can take away the sun
You can take away the very air that I've been breathing
But you can't take away my God
Oh, my God, my God
Waves will come
And winds will blow
But it's not here
I've found my hope
My beating heart
My very soul
Is held by one who won't let go
And so I'll cling
To You my King
You can take away
Everything that I've been holding
You can take away the sun
You can take away the very air that I've been breathing
But you can't take away my God
Oh, my God, my God
A hope that can't be lost
A love that can't be bought
You can't take away my God
Nothing high or low
Nothing you can control
You can't take away my God
You can take away Everything that I've been holding
You can take away the Sun
You can take away the very air that I've been breathing
But you can't take away my God
No you can't
No you can't
Take away my God
No you can't
No you can't
No you can't
Take away my God, Oh My God, My God

Those are the lyrics to a song by Mikeschair "Can't Take Away"

September 27, 2008 my dad, Jack Ellis, passed away unexpectedly of a staph bacteria that crossed over to his blood stream making him septic... he died a week later after a good fight.

He had been in the hospital or a nursing home since February 29th, 2008... when I didn't give him the choice (he was a stubborn man and refused to go to the doctor) of going to the hospital because he couldn't walk across the floor. His spinal stenosis had progressed so far that he would fall. So, on March 7th he had back surgery to correct.... that was the beginning of him never walking again... never returning to his home again...

I lost my dad... we talked on the phone everyday and I saw him everyday... I went to the hospital or nursing home to visit him and check up on his care. We talked about anything and everything (except sex... lol:) I cherished the conversations. He was a funny man with his opinions. My last real conversation with him was the evening of September 18th. We talked about 45 minutes on the phone... I was exhausted and it was late and I hadn't made it up to see him that night, but told him I would be there early the next day to see him as I had the day off work... he ended up in the ER with dropping blood pressure and too out of it from that point on to really communicate.

The youngest of seven children... in a very dysfunctional family I had one brother, at the time, that was really talking to me (he no longer does) and was at my dad's bedside his last days with me.

During the year that I was so busy taking care of and visiting my Dad every night after working a nine/ten hour day and children and homework my relationship with my boyfriend was feeling the pressure... we broke up multiple times...

I've lost the bestfriend/boyfriend I cherished, l loved and adored... he was the love of my life! He was the love that love songs are written about, that novels are written and movies are made. That make believe I can't believe it's real kind of love.... never loved anybody as deeply before... We spoke everyday several times... we texted each other throughtout the days... we shared our lives, laughs and love...

Three years prior to this, I lost my nice house and financial security because I divorced my husband that didn't want to be with me. That same year, I lost both my dogs... one expectedly of a brain tumor and the other one seven months later of old age. It was a rough year...

I know loss...

BUT... during all these times of stress and loss... I still worship God. God still loves me. God has never left me. I will not lose God... because you can't take away my God. That song says it all about how I feel about my God and my relationship with him.

No matter what I lose in life, and I've lost a lot!... I will always have my God. My faith that He will never leave me is true. So, you can take away the air I breathe, but... you can't take away my God!

Proverbs 3:5

2009-12-01T11:01:00.004-06:00

Proverbs 3:5:
5Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.

That verse is so much easier to say than do. We humans want to know and understand everything. We want to know "Why?"... we want to know "When?", "How?"... and God just wants us to rely TOTALLY on Him to know everything and for us to simply Trust Him.

I'm going through a a dark valley in my life right now... have been for a few years now. Everytime I see the light at the end of the tunnel, ... it gets dark again. I know it's the devil trying to get me down, trying to keep me discouraged and keep me from trusting my loving Father, my Papa. The devil doesn't seem to understand that I will NOT leave my loving Father. I learned that lesson many years ago. I have strayed now and then in the past and those were the worst times in my life. I will not stray again. So, dispite the unpleasantness of my current life conditions... I WILL Trust in my Father, my Papa who knows and loves me better than anyone what is best for me and know that He has a great plan for my life... I just have to trust in Him with ALL my heart! And NOT worry about all the unknowns... He has them all taken care of.

Honestly wish it were easier for my brain to not try to figure things out on its own. It's a control issue... wanting to know. But it's also a desire to be able to look ahead to the future and make plans and be excited. If you have no idea what your future holds and which direction you are going to go with your life and it's ALL totally up in the air... that is scary. It wouldn't be so scary for me if I didn't have children to raise and provide for. If it were just me, the unknown future would be a glorious adventure! I would be making all kinds of plans and moving out of state. But, maybe... just maybe, that's what God is trying to keep me from doing?... I don't know...

Waiting... and still waiting...

2009-11-23T22:49:00.003-06:00

It amazes me sometimes how songs can be released to the public at specific times that seem to correspond to my personal life... spooky even... I can recall several songs over the years that have done just that. One of the most recent is "While I'm Waiting" by John Waller. The lyrics go like this:

I'm waiting I'm waiting on You, Lord And I am hopeful I'm waiting on You, Lord Though it is painful But patiently, I will wait I will move ahead, bold and confident Takeing every step in obedience. While I'm waiting I will serve You While I'm waiting I will worship While I'm waiting I will not faint I'll be running the race Even while I wait I'm waiting I'm waiting on You, Lord And I am peaceful I'm waiting on You, Lord Though it's not easy But faithfully, I will wait Yes, I will wait I will serve You while I'm waiting I will worship while I'm waiting I will serve You while I'm waiting I will worship while I'm waiting I will serve you while I'm waiting I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord.

I've been waiting on the Lord to show me where I am supposed to be going/doing with my life for over three years now. Though it's actually been over 13 years since I knew he had plans for my life other than what I was doing with it. Much has transpired since then, I'll tell you some of that at another time. Anyway, my life these last four years has been a continual "game" of dodging balls and putting out fires and trying to stay afloat in the game of life. Other people would have caved in three years ago... actually, honestly... most people wouldn't have even taken the plunge I did almost four years ago. That plunge was leaving my husband of 15 years for a life of happiness... whatever that was exactly I didn't know; I just knew that it was NOT with him. I had known I wouldn't stay married to him during our first year of marriage... I know you're thinking WHY stay married 14 more years then!? That's for a later date to discuss.
Anyway, leaving your husband after 15 years of being a stay at home mom (and aerobics instructor) and making yourself a single mom with 4 children is NOT for the faint hearted! It's NOT for the person that needs safety and security and permanence of stability. NOT for someone that desires material possessions and a big house. IT IS for someone that desires peace of heart and soul, happiness without bitterness. IT IS for someone that desires to place what IS BEST for her children above her comfort and 'easy' life and showing them that what they have seen as a married couple with their parents is NOT what a married couple should be like and that God meant and created married life to be totally different than what they witnessed. It's for the desire that my son learn to treat women with respect and not as he had been shown. It's for my daughters to seek out a man in their futures that will respect and honor and love them and desire to have friendships with them. It's to show my children that they CAN do ANYTHING they put their minds to and that ANY obstacle CAN be conqured with courage, determination and perseverance. It is to show them that material possessions are NOT important in life. That a house is just a house, that the people inside make it a home. My Dad taught me that I CAN do ANYTHING I put my mind to. That with hard work and a "little elbow grease" as he put it you can do it! So, I set off to be happy with God's blessing on my side for that was part of his plan. I can't do what he has planned for my life with the husband I left behind. So, single with four children I set out on an adventure of a lifetime!... And, here I still sit... waiting... now during the last three years my life has been MORE than busy and eventful so it's not like I'm just sitting around twittling my thumbs waiting with nothing to do! Working a fulltime job outside the home, being the only one to take care of the home, laundry, three children (sent one off to college), and my dad which ended up being a fulltime job as well (also another story). But, still... I wait.
Waiting, like I said when you have other things on your plate to keep you occupied isn't as hard as when you're ready for a change and you have time to think and start making your own plans...
and then you have to come back to the realization that God knows the plans for your life and you are just to patiently wait on Him to unfold the plans in His timing. Not knowing if the plans you are thinking of are Him helping to give you some direction or if they are plans you yourself are coming up with because you're getting restless waiting and are ready for a change.
So, here I am... waiting... sometimes patiently, somedays impatiently waiting... some days are painfully waiting... but I CAN honestly say that EVERYDAY has been full of worshipping Him and in that... I am at peace of soul while I wait...

The Water is Warm...

2009-09-13T17:17:00.001-05:00

I instruct water aerobics on Saturday mornings... have for over 15 years now. One question people ask week after week is "How's the water? Is it warm?"... At the gym I have been at for over 8 years now they are very consistant at keeping the water a certain temperature and varies rarely... yet people still ask... "Is the water warm?"... As a Christian when I decided to fully take the plunge and begin my journey as a follower of Christ and give him my life as His to be used totally for His own purpose several years ago... I felt like I do every Saturday morning as I enter the swimming pool... "Is the water warm?"... Yes, it IS warm! Taking the plunge and living for Christ is a huge step of Faith, Hope and Trust... but the water IS warm! And I am thankful to God for that!
I had been a raised in a Christian home, we went to several different type churches growing up... my mother wouldn't like what they would preach on and we'd be off to find a new church. Back then as I child I didn't understand how a minister or pastor could be 'wrong' about the Bible, but I do now... I was saved as a young child and baptised when I was 10 years old. Had to wait because the churches we had gone too didn't do baptism... I always knew who Jesus was and prayed to him every day. Even as a child I had a relationship with my Father God. He had his hand of protection over me and I had no idea just how much... until many years later.
Life has never been easy... living by Trust and Faith that God is who He says He is and learning to listen to Him and rely on Him fully with your life isn't easy some days... but... the water is always warm!